A few days later the electronic prescription from my GP whizzed through cyberspace to the local pharmacy and I was able to pick up the Efudix.
According to one of the links I'd been sent by the bots, this magic cream was going to sort everything out. It was cytotoxic. In other words, I was in for a course of DIY chemotherapy. I'd better get it right or I could find myself in a bit of trouble.
My heart sank when I saw the label on the box said 'Take as Directed'. Whose direction was it referring to?
Well, it wasn't the GP's. They'd been asked by the Department of Dermatology to prescribe it, so that's what they did. They hadn't been asked to tell me how to use it, so that's what they did not do. Why should they? As far as they were concerned this would have been explained to me when my scalp had been examined at the outpatients appointment.
But it wasn't, was it, because I never actually met the bots face to face to receive their medicinal directions.
Ah, but I could think of someone who knew them well. The coordinator. So I gave her a ring and explained that I needed to know how and when to apply this potent cream. She told me she'd check with the first dermatologist and get straight back to me. That's good, I thought. The dermatologist knew the bots best of all. If they played hard to get and didn't want to talk, the photos could always be checked. That seemed straightforward enough to me. My problem would be solved in no time at all.
The coordinator called me back a few minutes later. The first dermatologist had decided I'd been discharged from the service and a new referral was therefore required. And that was that.
On reflection, I realised the bots themselves had already made this decision because they referred to it in their letter. But I only wanted some quick directions and didn't appreciate the door being slammed in my face. My cynical self saw this as a numbers game. They needed to maximise their referrals in order to negotiate a higher fee when the contract was due to be renewed. All very interesting but it took me no further forward in terms of putting the Efudix to work.
I could see only one further course of action. The NHS had placed its trust in the bots to point me in the right direction and I needed to do the same thing. They'd sent me the links and it was time to put their judgement to the test.
