Cycle 5 was very different to my previous cycles. Friday I did ok and went to bed with no symptoms after my treatment. Saturday and Sunday, I went out for a little walk with very little sickness. I did feel very drunk. Like a had had one too many gin and tonics through the day then stopped drinking. I was also super emotional. I cried from Saturday morning through till Monday afternoon. Over absolutely nothing. Nothing had happened and no one had said anything, but I couldn’t stop. This didn’t help my constant headache and tiredness or my swollen steroid face, but it made me feel a bit better inside, so I didn’t try and stop it. On Sunday the pain started but I could deal with it. On Monday, I moved from bed to front room, slowly but I did it. A felt so tired I didn’t do much else but it’s further than I’ve gotten any other cycle. This time they absolutely nailed it with the meds. Sickness and pain were all manageable. And no need tablets to make me poo or make me stop! I can cope with feeling pissed all day. That was probs partly to do with the morphine I was necking but God did it work.
The closer I get to the end of this lot of chemo treatment, the more of an emotional rollercoaster it seems to be. I’m so used to being Independent and doing what I want when on my own. I’ve got a really high pain threshold and tolerance to pain and usually wouldn’t touch a paracetamol for any reason. Apart from nursing a hangover in the settee on a Sunday, I would never take to my bed for anything or take a day off work (well, I’m actually still working but taking a week off for my treatment). This treatment just absolutely has my life. I’m emotionally and physically done in. (‘you’ll be completely floored’ is a term the oncology nurse used). Everyone I speak to and the things I read, seems to be having it so much easier than me. No one has it as bad as me. Am I being a total pathetic bitch about all of this? Have I lost my hard ass touch? I’m constantly told my cancer is aggressive and so is my treatment but how much more can it be compared to everyone else? Well, turns out shit loads. It is very aggressive cancer and very aggressive treatment. I try not to over think this statement that is constantly said to me. My oncologist said last week that people don’t usually finish it and have to be scaled back after a few cycles cause it’s so brutal. That does make me feel better that my oncologist thinks I’m a massive trooper and I’m not just being a total wuss. I was starting to think I was overreacting to the way I was feeling so I’m feeling so much better that I’ve made it this far. Fighting through it has got to be the best way to give me the best chance of getting rid of this for good. Even if I have moaned my way through the last 5 months, I’ve got through the last 5 months without having to back out of this hell. Snaps to me for that like.
My oncologist set the expectation that my cancer would still be there when I went for my MRI on Monday. It might be a bit smaller but won’t have gone. The MRI results are going to be sent to my surgeon and appointment will be made to discuss what surgery I’ll have and when. They hold the MDT meetings on a Monday and his clinic is on a Tuesday so hope I’m in soon. Like next week. The next stage of waiting and unknown is upon me and I hate it. I spent the whole time guessing what might happen and it drives me crazy. The oncologist said I would be back to her 2 weeks after surgery to discuss my post op treatment plan for chemo and then radiology. I was thinking they might give me the 6–8-week recovery but no rest for the wicked. I was also praying it would be chemotherapy or radiology post-surgery not both. I suppose I would rather continue to blast the shit out of anything that may be lingering after surgery, while I’m on this I might as well do everything I can to not have to do it again.
I had a total nervy b at my post chemo assessment yesterday. All bloods were fine but the swelling and skin peeling of my hands and feet apparently is not. I literally begged them to keep my appointment and had a little cry. Who would have thought I would be upset for NOT having chemo now? But am all ready and my schedule is all planned out. I can’t be arsed with another week of waiting. My hands are almost healed after using Neom balm (a chemo must have to use for everything) on them constantly this week. I asked them to give me a chance to heal up my feet too and they agreed. They gave me some cow cream to use and some special cream for my nails. Apparently, the swelling and peeling come before all the nails on your hands and feet fall off. I cried at that too. I’m literally getting every side effect of chemotherapy. I was hoping a had kept hold of my nails but now I’m not ruling anything out and will be using all creams and any potions I can get my hands and feet on. Literally.
