how awful life is. I have just poured my heart out on this page describing how bad I feel and how excluded I feel by the companionable posts in the bereaved spouse group - a failing on my part rather than the others I feel sure. All that I had written simply disappeared and this seems utterly in line with how my life goes at the moment.
I have lost so many words since Colin died, I know there's a word for what I want to say but it has become lost in my addled brain. I have so many questions which I want to ask but have no-one to turn to for answers. I have been reading the discussions in the group which I joined, and have even made a couple of posts but I feel so uncertain, it is like standing on the edge at a party, nervous of speaking, wondering when we can go home and be safe again but then I remember that there's no-one to go home with or to. I thought that I was preparing myself for the loss but I now realize that I am in no way prepared and don't know how I will survive. I seem to have spent all day crying, the tears come unbidden to my eyes, I feel sick all the time and the pain is intense. I had not appreciated that the pain of grief is a physical gut wrenching body doubling experience.
It is six weeks since Colin died and it gets worse every day but people seem to think that it should be getting better and that because I go to the shop and buy milk I'm 'coping' well and they are pleased for me. If only they knew. I hope that by writing this down I may get my head in a better place and manage to find a way of carrying on
