It has been several days since I heard those words “you have breast cancer”, and in these 11 days I have gone through more emotions than are listed in the dictionary. I have had the CT Scan – it is a contrast scan so they put a cannula in your arm and then inject dye into you as you lie on this metal bed. You feel how the dye runs through your body. It is quite a weird feeling and at one stage you sure you going to wet yourself, but of course you don’t. They then slide the bed under the donut shaped machine, ask you to hold your breathe and they take their scans. It is over before it has even begun. Easy, painless, quick – you actually can’t believe that such a procedure is searching for cancer throughout your body. And as I walk out of the room, I search their faces and wonder what they saw on the scan but I can’t ask because they won’t say.
I have also joined this Macmillan Cancer Support website and I am glad I have. You use a nickname so no-one knows who you are which gives you the liberty to express your deepest feelings without any personal recrimination or judgement. You can also follow the journey of others that are similar to yours, although I guess no two journeys are the same.
It was on this website that someone wrote “it is the knowing, not knowing that is the hardest”. I could not have said it any better. This stage between diagnosis and finding out how far the cancer is spread and what the treatment plan is, is the hardest. At least, at this stage of the game, it is the hardest for me. Perhaps there is much more “hardest” lying ahead in the future, but for now, it is this – the knowing, not knowing.
My MRI was yesterday and next Drs app is on the 16th……and so we wait.
One cancer sufferer described her feelings as yo-yoing. I hear her. She is going from normal to sobbing her eyes out and back to normal. I am not experiencing that at all. I have this thin upper crust of complete calmness and normality and I am going about my days and nights as if nothing has changed. I started this update by saying I have gone through more emotions than are in the dictionary – but believe me, you would not know because all you will see is the thin upper crust. My fear is that that thin upper crust may just crack and then I am not sure what will happen. I am holding onto this calm normal façade with my whole being, but underneath there is fear and disbelief, and more fear and anger and fear - but also faith. It is a “warboel” of emotions. I love that Afrikaans word and in English you could say chaos, or confusion or maze but it doesn’t sound the same, so warboel of emotions it will remain. Maybe it will settle down once I know exactly what I am dealing with, and I can channel all these emotions into action of sorts.
I have booked a ticket home on the 1st December and I am hoping against all hope that my Drs will allow me to go. I need my daughter and my sister.
I end this update with a “Phew!” as I have just poured out my soul onto paper again and can go forward a little less heavy.
Oh I forgot to mention something quite irrelevant in my update!!
Now that I have been taken off my HRT, the dreaded hot flushes have come back with a vengeance. I don't get those dainty "glows" with a light sheen of sweat along the hairline or upper lip. Oh No! I get those full blown, red hot flushes that light me up and make me want to dive into a chest freezer and close the lid. Imagine those gas torches that you ignite and they go whooossshhhh - and imagine that being inside you and then you will have a pretty good idea of what it feels like.
Now you may say "Well lucky her she is in England and it is now Winter there so it's cold" And yes, you right except that the houses here are insulated with their double glazing and have radiators in every conceivable place - like even the passage and toilet - so the homes remain a toasty, cosy temperature!! And if you are caring for the elderly, remember they feel the cold even more, so..........they have extra heaters to keep out any cold draft or whiff of outside air!!
Now if these inner fires melted my fat, then I may have accepted them, but nooooooo, they do nothing of the sort!! Bollocks!!
Ooo, here comes another one - gotta go before my sweaty fingers slide off the keyboard............!!!