Share and share alike.....

I’m in a sharing mood... Hi guys, I hope this ramble finds you all well. I feel a bit of the verbal squits coming on and as you all know I’m sharing kinda gal hehe! So, I had my first bout of radiotherapy yesterday, I was anxious as you know. I was laying on that lovely trolly, head sellotaped so I didn’t move, listening to the buzzing noise of the machine as it whirred around my head zapping my brain, such a wierd feeling because other than the noise there is no sensation of anything happening, except the kick off of world war three which is now taking place in my brain...somewhat of an anti-climax you might say! So today, I have awoken up, a little tired, bit of a sore throat and a niggely head, but other than that feeling good. I’m hoping that this is as bad as it will get! Already creaming my bonse and looking for tell tale hairs falling out, no idea how quick that will happen. So now I’m just laying here thinking, sometimes not the best thing to do, however sometimes these thoughts need to be freed so one can simply move on the to the next chapter. My first big thought is when the hell did my life become this? How on earth did it just creep up on us? Before cancer, I had this whole different life, didn’t we all? I get a little sad and jealous when I think about it. On the one hand I know this cancer has kept us together as a family, brought us closer and forged a bond that will not be broken. However, what would have happened if there were no cancer? Would myself and Sam have gotten through the difficult times anyway and remained together? If so, would we be living our dream right now? We had a five year plan before cancer. I had always worked hard and had good jobs, Sam was in the Army, he would have done his 22 years and then with smart savings we wanted to take the girls and start a new life in Canada. It was always our dream, we have relatives over there and would have had sponsorship too. I imagined living in a few hundred acres in the snow, living self sufficiently and just enjoying living the outdoor life. Maybe a silly whistful dream but it was our dream. Funny how new dreams are forced upon us isn’t it. No less important I might add, dreaming that you get the treatment you need, the results you desperately want, good bloods, hospital appointments that are on time, good news when you see your oncologist, or just to eat something and not see it again moments later. Now my dream is for my radiotherapy to work as well as it possibly can for as long as it possibly can so I can squeeze as many more months out of life as I am able. My five year plan has become a few months plan, how ironic! I’m not really writing this because I’m down either, more because I’m accepting of my fate, still calm and at peace. I’ve been waiting for the meltdown but it just hasn’t happened so I’m not going to sweat it. I’m going to chill out today, mooch around and then tomorrow I’m taking my sorry ass off to Wembley to see my Oasis and I’m going to rock my bloody socks off I tell you! I’ve had my reflective look at what I thought the future should hold, now I’m just going to enjoy the one I do get to play a part in! Love as always Indie xx