"Cos I gotta have faith...yeaaaaaaah...I gotta have faith....."
4 minute read time.
FormerMember
hi guys,
long time no speak....for me anyway hehe. Truth be told, since my friend Elaine passed away I have been struggling. I'm sure that I'm not the only one who is constantly asking questions, already knowing there are no straightforward answers when it comes to cancer. I was brought up in the Church, however when I hit my teenage years my faith dwindled...there were more exciting things to do than go to Church each Sunday right? Then over the years, things happened in my life that made me question what little faith I had left. When I was diagnosed with cancer I waved as the last of it flew out of the window. Now don't get me wrong I wasn't overly religous, I just believed in God and I believed that life didn't just end when we died. Since being rediagnosed with the Mets I have been very open to trying anything that might just make me feel better, might just give me that bit of extra energy I need to get through the day.
Now let me make this clear before I get a zillion comments, I'm talking about complimentary therapies. I'm not talking about curing my cancer, I'm just basically looking for that sense of peace that will allow me to live the rest of my life to the utmost! So I've tried various complimentary therapies, some of which I feel did help with various side effects from treatment...others just left me smelling nice hehe. What I'm saying is that I've been searching for some kind of peace ever since being diagnosed with this wretched thing.
Something that happened quite recently though has made me think quite differently about the way I have been looking at my cancer. A couple of months ago, my lovely friend Elaine sat me down and explained to me that she was no longer going to be receiving treatment. She had come to this decision herself. I couldn't believe it, the thought of no more treatment terrifies me..surely that is the beginning of the end right? I remember asking her how on earth she had been brave enough to make that decision, her response was this " Sarah, after all this time, it was one of the easiest decisions I have made". Now to me that takes kahooona's!! Everytime I saw Elaine after that I noticed just how calm she was, how at peace she was, how beautifully serene she looked. There genuinely was "no fear". I asked her the week before she died, why she was so calm about everything, she just smiled at me..."I have a strong faith Sarah, I'm so certain that this is just a tiny part of my journey. I have no doubt I will see my family again. Of course I don't want to leave them but, I've done everything I wanted to do, I've said my goodbyes and now I'm ready to go." On the way home that last time I saw her she said "it won't be long now you know", she passed away a few days later.
Now this may sound like lunacy but I envy Elaine....stay with me here! I envy the faith she had that life wouldn't just end, her complete faith in this gave her enormous strength and this strength emanated from her and enveloped all of those who were close to her. I would love to have that kind of faith, the kind that brings peace and wipes out fear. Thats how I want to feel. I want to feel how she felt! Now I'm not advocating that we all go out and join a church hehe. This is just my experience. When I really think about it, to me it makes sense. Whether "God" exists or not, what is the harm in believing it is so, whats wrong with having that faith? If it brings just a smidgeon of peace, if it relieves just a jot of the fear that sometimes takes hold of me then who is it hurting? So it really has got me thinking and slowly but surely I think my faith is returning. I've been praying for miracles since this disease returned three and a half years ago, praying that this cancer would miraculously disappear. What if I've been looking at it the wrong way, what if I am already slap bang in the middle of my miracle....defying the odds for over three and a half years? That seems pretty dang miraculous to me!
I think I am prepared to give this faith thing another shot! I don't really care about your cynics or sceptics anymore. It's what I believe that matters, it's what works for me, it's what brings me that much sought after peace, thats all I want, to feel calm and at peace and without fear, just like Elaine. If believing in something (no matter what) can give you that then who is to say it is wrong? I'm looking forward to going back to Church on Sunday, if nothing else I will make new friends and will come away feeling comforted...works for me!!
I hope each and everyone of you lovely people find your own peace, it's the very least you all deserve.
Love as always
Indie xxx
FormerMember
indie i too envy elaine`s faith, as i think you know i am agnostic, i would love to believe yada yada yada. i have been threatening to go to church a number of weeks now and walk mikey past the church at the bottom of my street every day, i havent felt the pull yet, funnily enough our beatrice asked me on sunday if i wanted to go, i smiled and she said maybe next week. good luck with it and a very warm welcome back. liz xxx
I just wanted to say what a lovely and well thought out blog you have written, it really moved me. I too had a friend who passed away this time last year from the return of her cancer and she was an amazing lady like your friend Elaine. She always radiated such energy even when she was so very ill, sometimes it was hard to believe she WAS so ill.
I think you are so right for each one of us to find that which will bring us peace, whether it be faith, complementary therapies,what we choose to do with the time left. After all, it's OUR lives, OUR journey and no one can tell us what to do or how we should be feeling! Elaine has set you such a wonderful example I am not surprised you are begining to find your faith again. I must admit that I feel no fear about dying as I have my own belief. Some find that disturbing lol! As you so rightly said, each to their own.
Good luck with your search and I hope you find what you need, to find that peace that Elaine had.
I'm with you, if it helps try it. I've been as close as the entrance to the church but haven't quite made it in yet. At one appointment for a CT scan, I met a lady who asked me what was wrong and I told her and she went on to pray for me (quite loudly) in the waiting room. Now, I'm not religious and I explained this to her but she said that doesn't matter, I want to pray for you. She has since telephoned a few times and said that many of her church group are praying for me and yes I found some peace in this.
We all find ways of coping and you have been through so much lately, that perhaps your faith will help you. There is only one way of knowing and that is to try.
Looking forward to chatting again soon, I have missed you.
Are you sure you are not Liz's twin sister every thought and emotion you have she had had she had been going through the same dilemma as you and has been talking seriously about going to church she doesn't believe but wants to be convinced differently.
I have my own views as I really don't believe at all, but I am a great believer in "each to their own". Maybe I an just scared who knows? I do know every time I have been in a church it sends a shiver down my spine and I get very emotional when singing hymns etc, I am also frightened of dying so much, so maybe your friend Elaine did have the right idea Indi.
All I know is if someone finds that inner peace when looking death in the face the who the hell am I to question that. Indi you go with your feelings and who knows maybe I will end up going to church with Liz. I know when Liz was first diagnosed with secondaries last year, I was in such despair I almost went into a church while walking past there was a sign outside eccouraging people to go in and I nearly did but was too emotional at the time and I didn't want to make a fool of myself.
As always Indi you wrote a blog which makes us all question our lives you got me again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
