Is it wierd? That Im relieved???

Well guys you all know my recent news and it wasn’t the best news, infact it was the last station call before I get booted off the train hehe! Flippen Public Transport! I always knew that if the cancer went to my brain then there really would be nothing left I could do, it is now in the hands of my body, my oncologist and I guess God. So why on earth do I feel relieved at last? It’s strange I know but the main emotion I feel right now is relief! Let me explain, I have had five and half years of living with this disease and in all that time, there has always been that knowledge that if I kept fighting, lived healthy and kept a positive attitude then it could only help my chances, I firmly believe that having a healthy body and sound mind is so important. It doesn’t cure your cancer no but it does give you extra strength both physical and emotional to keep walking through the battlefield it changes your life into. So now, the fight has been taken out of my hands, I can do no more, I can just relax, the pressure is off, so you see that’s where the relief comes into it. The past couple of days I have woken up and that awful split second feeling when you remember what’s going on, which has been with me for the past five and a half years hasn’t been there. I don’t have to fight to get through the day.... I don’t have to plan my cancer fighting strategy for the day. I can just lay there and think, what would I like to do today? Who do I want to see? Where do I want to go? And it is really, really a relief, crazy isn’t it! I think I have finally reached acceptance, what will be, will be now. There is no anger and to be honest not too much fear...just the fear of the unknown I guess. There is also an incredible sadness, but even that is different. It is the sadness of having to leave my family to deal with the loss. I firmly believe I will see them again one day, I believe I’m going on to a place where I get to watch over them all until we are together again so my sadness is for the loss I know they will feel. But I’m comfortable that we are in a good place, a good strong family unit and deep in my heart I know that while it will be sad and tough I know Sam and the girls are there for each other and they will get through it together and come out of the other side stronger. I also think that my girls having to deal with such a loss and the whole process they have had to go through the past few years will set them in good stead for any future trials that come their way! I did that final check of all my plans today, funeral booked and any tweaks made. Commissioned my best friend Mary’s hubby to make me an urn for my ashes because he is a Carpenter and I want a replica Dr Who Tardis hehe. I think it will be so funny when the pain has eased and they can talk about me with a smile and tell their mates, “yeah just say hello to mummy she is on the shelf in the Tardis,” it makes I laff!!! List of people for Sam to call and such, I just want to make it as easy as possible for them when it happens. My Hospice know that is where I want to die and they are prepared for me and I have total faith that when it does happen they will get on top of any symptoms and I will have a peaceful, good death surrounded by my family. I am at peace, in my head and in my heart at last. I am going to spend the rest of whatever time I have, weeks, months, just enjoying my family and enjoying my friends, enjoying the life I am proud I have made for myself. I want to make this time special and full of fun, I want my girls to say, “yeah mummy did pass away but the day before she was singing and dancing in the garden!” It will be so! I don’t have time to be miserable I’ve got a life to get living my friends!!! Once again thank you for listening to my rambling on, you are all in my prayers. Love as always Indie xx