Hi again folks,
I have come to the conclusion that cancer is like having a multiple personality, an alter- ago, an evil twin. The only thing I have managed to do with my evil twin is lock her away, deep inside my head. I know I can’t get rid of her but I can stop her from taking over my life and causing complete chaos can’t I?
It’s really hard for me to write this blog, because I’m not a negative person, I like to look on the bright side, I like to find the silver lining, I like to boost people and make them smile, I like that my glass is half full, it is what keeps me sane! However I can’t just pretend that that other part of me doesn’t exist, so once in a while I allow myself to visit that dark place where she resides. I think it is important to do this, we must all face our demons sometimes.
I’ve paid her quite a long visit this week, for some reason it has been hard to keep up the happy smiley persona. I’ve sank to the depths, stripped away the layers and looked at some of the raw emotions that I have been feeling. For example, I realise that no matter how I deny it, my heart is broken into a millions tiny pieces when I think about leaving my girls and my family. The process of dying terrifies me, more the pain he he...I know what a wimp! Being alone scares me and when I really think about it, despite being surrounded by people who I know love me, in this I am completely alone. My faith in God, what if I’m wrong? Will I ever see my family again? These thoughts are why I only allow myself to visit this place, this other part of me occasionally. It is enough to send one over the edge quite literally. The reason I’m sharing this with you? I’m sure that most of us have the same thoughts, some like me manage to keep that evil twin with it’s negativity and fear inducing thoughts and questions locked up most of the time. Others I’m sure have a daily battle with their demons.
It’s easy to look at someone and see the bright bubbly personality they portray, I would hate to think though that people might think I look upon this disease with a certain amount of frivolity. That is far from the case! I have my dark moments just like everyone, I just chose how long they last and then I head off out into the sunshine, where I belong! So when I do visit that place, I take you all with me, I know that we share the same fears, I think about how this disease impacts all our lives and I try and figure out what we can do if anything to lessen the fears we have. The best thing I can come up with is simply to share, share our fears and keep communicating with each other. So I’m afraid you are stuck with my random ramblings and I am more than happy to listen to yours, whether it be by blog or in chat...if ya really unlucky I might even slip ya my number haha!!!!
As always much love to all
Indie xxx
