After I was first diagnosed with prostate cancer there was an initial denial, then shock. But now there’s a certain dullness in my life, everything just appears grey and indistinct. There is always something, like my future with cancer, at the back of my mind. This permeates to the surface at regular intervals, and often when I’m least expecting it. The outside world appears far away and not sharp, like a picture which has faded or a photograph out of focus. It does mean that I’m quite easy to please, the answer to ‘does this look good?’ or ‘do you want this?’ is always yes, as it all seems the same to me.
There’s also a distance between me and the world, like I’m wearing lead lined complete body covering. There’s an experience, observation or joke which take time to penetrate so I can understand what is going on. Then my reply takes a while to materialise, it could take some time for me to respond. So please don’t take me to a comedy night out I’ll be laughing at the wrong time recognising the first joke as the comedian is telling the third story. I’m not sure how I manage to live from day to day, as there’s food I eat, clothes I get dressed and somehow on a more occasional basis now, I end up at work. Probably just driving and moving on automatic pilot.
This state is not uncomfortable to me, I know where I am, and this dullness has not affected my mood. However I’ve no idea of the impact on other people, but with this lead suit on me I think that is maybe their problem.
