19th December.. It was surreal.. I barely slept... To be honest, I was numb. I had a shower, I got dressed to realize I'd left my shoes at home, I had to wear my converse. I wore a shirt and tie.. Inside I could hear you telling me how smart I looked.. and sorting my tie for me.
When we got to your house, everyone was there and in good spirits. I was in the dining room with Claudia when I turned, everything was quiet... I walked outside.. everyone was crying and heads down. I looked properly, there you were.. The hearse and two cars. It hit me a little, just the fact you were home, finally, but sadly you weren't there..
When we climbed in the cars, it was surreal... following you to the Church. We cried a little in the car, didn't really talk much, it was too much to take really.. When we got to the Church, I had a few people talk to me, tell me that they knew me because you always talked about me.. how I was your little cutie.. I sat at the back, in the corner.. I just didn't want to be near, I couldn't. I had to leave part the way through, Claudia wasn't happy. I stood near the main doors, with her for at least 20 minutes. When everyone came out, Ruth took Claudia so I could go to the Crematorium.
We got in the cars and followed. It was so sad.. When I heard 'The Rose' it hurt a little.. the lyrics.. you picked your songs. I sat on the second row, behind Grandad. When 'In the arms of the Angel' started to play, everyone was crying. I tried to bite my lip, but I couldn't control it. I looked up at your coffin, laid there.. The last time I got to be with you.. and it was officially time to say goodbye... I still can't now.
We all sat there as the song was playing, crying.. When the chorus started and played "In the arms of the Angels, fly away from here..." the curtains started to close. Grandad stood up first and walked to the curtains and bowed. It broke my heart.. We all took cue and started to leave... I could still hear the song as I started up the stairs..
It's not right without you here... you mean everything to me..
I still cannot really open up to anyone about you.. I am scared to cry and be weak.
