I don't know when I last wrote to you or when I last really spoke about you. I apologize, I don't mean to forget you.
I used to count the days since you left this World, since you left me. I don't anymore. I still remember though - the dates, conversations, what we wore, the weather.
On the 13th of October, we drove from Nottingham to Halifax to see you. I knew you weren't well, Grandad kept telling us. In the daytime, I was in your dining room with you. You said "I have something for you, while I remember." Then started your usual ferreting around, you went in to Grandad's cupboard. The cupboard I knew Grandad kept treats in - only for adults though! Us children were never allowed in there. You brought out a small brown box. Placed it on the table and opened it, then you took the Rosary Beads in to your hand and played with them while you spoke. "These are for you. I want you to keep them safe. They were my Mum's. Everytime you look at them I want you to think of me and my Mum. Just don't wear them clubbing!". I took the box gratefully and thanked you, a thousand times, at least. I then gave my Mum the look, she followed me upstairs to the spare room I would be sleeping in for the last time. It was the room I'd grown up in, every weekend. Me and my Sister would spend the weekend and sleep in there. So many happy memories. Each one still ingrained like it was yesterday.
I started to well up as I put the box in my bag then I told my Mum, well I asked her - why?! Why me?! She said "She gave them to you because they mean a lot to her and she loves you. It'll be okay.."
The rest of the day was a blur of sunshine and passing my 5 month old around. That evening I went up to my Sister's flat with everyone and we watched X Factor. Lindsay text me about a spider - she lived a few doors from my Sister. So I went over to rescue her from the dreaded 8 legged beast. Eventually after my daughter had fallen asleep, I got the bus back to you. When I got in I put my daughter in the hallway in her buggy and sat in that dining room with you and Grandad. We watched the Jonathan Ross show, Ed Sheeran was on there. During his interview you asked me where my daughter was. I said in the hallway. You told me to bring her to you. She was wrapped in her pink blankets, asleep. You held her and rocked her while Ed Sheeran sang 'Give Me Love'. The last time you held my daughter properly. It was the single most saddest moment of my life. I never realized it would be the last time I would see you at your house. I wish I had done more, anything! But no, I just didn't.
I miss you Grandma.. everyday!
I keep going to ring you and then realize you're not there. My support from you has gone, the love, everything. I feel alone in this World now. I miss you every single day. I am so sorry. So so so sorry.
There are songs now that just invoke memories of you, things I could of changed. I could of done better. Anything and I never did. I am sorry so so so sorry..
