I'm sorry if this is really long but I've never really spoke about my mums Cancer but I feel it may be easier to tell you.... A complete stranger. I hope you don't mind.
I can Remember when my mum told me she had found a lump at the bottom of her stomach top of her leg area. That's the way she said it. She'd found it in November 2011 but didn't got to the doctors till feb 2012. She went and had tests. The day she was getting the results I was at work but I told her to ring me soon as she got them. She did but all she would say is 'make sure u come home straight from work' that's when I knew what it was. I made her tell me then. As soon as she said that word my legs went I threw my phone across the room n kept screaming no! I knew then my mum was gona die. I didn't think for one second they would be able to get rid of it.
Then came the news it was terminal. They didn't know how long she had but they said chemo would slow it down. And it did for a bit. she went for chemo every week. I would go with her and we would eat walkers crisps. She would always have 2 packs a salt and vinegar and cheese and onion.
The chemo went on for a few months and she was doing really well so they let her have a break for her 50th birthday party, she was so happy that day you wouldn't think anything was wrong.
After that (her birthday was end of June) she went for another scan this one wasn't good news. The Cancer had spread to her many of her organs. The chemo wasn't working anymore so they tried her on another kind. Few more months passed another scan another tumour this time in her ovaries. There was nothing more they could do.
On the weekend of the 9th of November she was taken into hopsital with an infection. They doctors told my dad she wouldn't make the night. I didn't get old this. He called her family from leicester and Margate told them they needed to come say goodbye. They did. 10th November 2013 my mum was still here... This is the day I told her I was pregnant with her first grandchild. She was discharged from hospital 3 days later. I like to think her grandchild gave her that extra strength to stay a bit longer.
After that tho you could tell she was getting worse and we knew she wouldn't be here to meet her grandchild. Her stomach started to swell coz of the tumour in her ovaries just like mine did from the baby. Christmas came we knew it was her last.
February came and it was time for my 20 week scan my dad wheeled my mum in in her wheelchair so she could see her grandson. This was the first and last time she saw him. Apparently he waved at her. We named him that day so she would always know his name. He was due on te 5th july.
About a week after this the doctor had been to see mum at home and had told her and dad that she only had weeks left. My dad came and told me. My mum had decided she wanted to be buried and had picked the cemetery and wanted to go for a look around it to pick her spot. The day we were ment to go her legs went she couldn't walk anymore...she never got to go. This is when I knew for sure I was about to watch my mum die. I picked my mums grave I showed her pictures of where it was going to be and she liked it. We also planned her funeral together. Picked the songs.
We ended up having one of those hospital beds in the front room. She couldn't walk anymore. She wasn't interested in food. She was still ok tho.
On the 11th March 2014 I was round my parents house and I ended up having an argument with my dad and stormed out. That's was the last time I saw my mum as my mum.
On the 12th March I didn't visit. I had a midwife appointment and work. I rang her lots thru the day and on my way home from work. As I said goodbye I said I love you. The last thing my mum ever said to was 'I love you to'.
On the 13th March my dad rang my about dinner time. Asked when I was going round. I said soon. He then said he had rang grandma (mums mum) told her to come to York. 2 of my uncles (mums brothers) and my 'auntie' (mums cousin) came to. That's when I knew something was wrong.
I got to there house at 1.30pm. I walked in. She was half asleep. Totally out of it. I knew my mum was going to die. The doctor came. He said she had 12 hours.
Time passed very slowly after that. We sat with her all day. Me, my dad, 2 of her brothers, her cousin, her bestfriend and my boyfriend. We sat with her held her hand played her fave songs. Half way through the night me and dad asked for some time alone with her. We told her she could go. She didn't have to stay we would be ok. We didn't want her to suffer anymore.
At 1.30am march 14th 2014 my mum died. My dad, her brothers and her cousin were with her. I thankfully wasn't in the room. I don't think I would have coped.
When she died I felt a very strange feeling of relief...I feel guilty for this...but it was because she was no longer suffering. I was in shock I couldn't get my head around the fact I would never see her again. That just wasn't possible!!!
She went to the chapel of rest that Friday morning. On the monday me dad and grandma (dads mum) went there to arrange the funeral. It was to be on on Friday the 28th of March. The day before Mum n Dads 26th wedding anniversary and 2 days before Mother's Day.
The vicar came to the house to arrange the service and the somgs. My uncle Richard was to do a reading and so were me and my dad.
The 2 weeks leading up to the funeral I went to the chapel of rest to see her. She was in a coffin obviously...she was cold...obviously.... She even smelt a bit funny but what did I expect. I got to used to going there. It was taking away the fact she was gone. To me she wasn't coz I could still her and hold her hand...even tho she was dead and all that it was was a body. The last time I went was the day before the funeral. I didn't wana leave. That's when I knew I would never see her face or hold her hand again.
The morning of the funeral I was ok. It wasn't until I saw the coffin that it got hard. We got to the chapel in the cemetery and me n dad stood near the car ready to follow her in. She had chosen 'your song' by elton John to go into. Soon as I heard it I realised what was happening. We were about to say goodbye. My dad had to push me thru the doors. I couldn't see where I was going for the tears. My uncle did a reading about mum growing up with him and her 4 other brothers then dad read about his life with her then we read a poem. Apparently the church was full, I didn't look to see. The chose 'the one' by elton John for her memory song. She chose it for my dad. He was her one. She was taken out to 'I give to thee my country' by Beck Goldsmith.
I didn't want to go graveside. Why would I wana watch my mum be lowered Into a dark hole and have mud thrown over her but I couldn't make my dad do it alone.
After that everyones lives went on. Ours didn't. I still couldn't face the fact I would never see her again.
Around 3 months after she died I gave birth to my son. It was a traumatic birth with an emergency c- section, I needed my mum.
Today 6 months on conor is 3 months old. He's learning to swim. He just learn to laugh. My mums missing all that. Me and my dad go to her grave every Friday. He told me I can't go everyday I can't let it take over my life....he goes everyday. We call it fresh flower Friday.
It's been 6 months I visit her grave yet still I can't accept she's gone. I miss her but I don't miss her like I should, I miss her in a way where I'm convinced this is only temporary. I very rarely cry about it and when I visit her grave it's like its not even hers coz I won't let me self see that it is.
All the way through her Cancer I knew she was going to die. I never let anyone tell me everything was going to be ok coz I knew it wasn't going to be at all. I thought I would be ready for when it happened.
I won't accept she's gone yet I know she will never meet conor and she won't be at my wedding. I don't have a clue what's going on in my head at all.
I'm really sorry this is really long. Thank you for reading xxx
