I love you Sarah – and I choose to live…
I’m quite a private person but I’m sharing something personal to me. Why? Because all too often we just exist – we put off what we want to do or what we want to say. Don’t.
We all have a choice – I choose to live life in memory of my fabulous sister and live it to the full…it’s here to be enjoyed.
I’m living. But I’m not really. I am simply existing.
I am doing what is required to get through each day…
To get me through each day and to get those around me through each day.
I want to be here for you. I feel I have let you down.
Why didn’t I push the doctors? Why didn’t I take you to hospital myself earlier?
Why? Why? Why? So many questions I can’t answer. So much guilt we all feel.
I made you a promise. I would stay with you. That’s what I am going to do.
I’m not leaving your side. I want to be here as often as I can.
Why wasn’t I with you earlier? Why didn’t I get you to the hospital sooner?
Questions, so many questions. But you can’t answer them now. No words.
Time feels like it’s stopped. I feel in this strange haze – there’s fog, there’s mist
But things are also very clear. I know you are dying. This is so messed up.
I’m functioning, I know this is happening. But strangely it doesn’t feel real.
You are here but you are not here. It’s your body. Or are you here too?
I think you can hear me sometimes. But can you really hear me? Only you know.
Your body has gone now. I cry a little but I can’t cry a lot. Why? Why can’t I cry?
I’m working. I’m eating. I’m washing. I’m OK. And all so soon. Maybe I’m heartless?
No I’m on autopilot. Something has taken over – life...it goes on.
It does. That’s right life does go on. But then – then the pain kicks in.
You’ve really gone. No more hugs, no more chats, no more sisterly advice…
Oh god. What I’d give to have my big sis back. But I can’t.
I cry. I really really cry. Then the butterflies in my tummy take over.
A wave of nausea – a shooting sensation from my tummy right up to my throat.
I’m told tears are good. Well, at least I know I do have feelings now!
It’s hard. I miss lots of people I know who have died. But this is different.
You were in so much pain. But you just kept battling on – so strong.
It seems so very unfair. You had so much to give. But. This is life. I guess.
Yes, it is. It is life – we all die. This is a fact. And I have a choice.
I can wallow, I can torment myself by thinking I should have done more…
OR I can live. I choose to live. This doesn’t mean I don’t get sad or I don’t miss you.
I think of you every day and I miss you. The pain is still here. But I know we will meet again.
And until then I intend to make the most of every single day, with you in my heart.
I have a choice and I am going to make my sis proud by living my life.
