For those of you that don't know. I saw my GP 4 weeks ago today on the 10th of June 2015. And after lots of blood tests, ultrasounds and finally a CT scan I was informed by my GP that they had found a 65mm tumour on my Liver and I had hepatocellular carcinoma (liver cancer) . She wrote it down on a piece of paper, told me the next step would be an MRI scan to see if it's spread and even gave me her mobile number as I would have lots of questions once I left
In our lives the next hurdle was not the Liver cancer but knowing whether or not it had spread. I contacted Macmillan and they were really helpful and reassuring. But nothing could take our minds off it every waking moment of every day all we could think about was the cancer and how people my age with young kids/babies are not suppossed to have Liver cancer. Im not suppossed to die before I meet my Grandkids. I even checked out if it was possible to live without my Liver but as I now know the Liver is quite vital to my existence and therefore I need one in my body.
After the longest 10 days of our lives on the 20th of June 2015 I had an appointment in the gastroenterology department, I wasnt expecting to be sent to the dept that deals with the shits, I thought i was seeing a cancer specialist not a hepatologist. We expected that he was going to get my chemo started straight away and start shrinking my tumour. Instead he told us that it's highly likely that the tumour is cancerous but without an MRI scan and further blood tests he wasn't prepared to say it was. He did say that if it was it would be too big for a transplant,resection (or as Donna calls it a resurrection) or surgery and chemo doesn't usually work on the liver. So after that and consulting Dr Google I resided my self to the fact that I would be dead within 5 years.
I started arranging my funeral in my head. Working out how I could pay for it. Thinking what I was gonna write in all the kids birthday cards until they were 18. Whos going to give Flossy away? Whos gonna make sure Flossy doesnt have a boyfriend until shes 30? Working on my bucket list. Looking into sorting my will out. Going out for days out with the kids and Donna every day. Even had a couple of trips to pinewood studios to see some shows being filmed (hoping they would be aired before I die) P.S. anyone else with cancer go and see Keith Lemon he will make you forget about it for a few hours. Basically we did all the things that I would say everyone does when they think they are going to die soon. Donna even sorted me out with a healthy diet and I immediately stopped drinking just to show all the Docs that I was doing my bit to help and would beat the bastard whatever it took. And to give my liver a fighting chance and stop poisoning it anymore.
We as a family were on the world's biggest white knuckle emotional roller coaster ride. It has been so emotional that even I almost cried a couple of times, especially when looking at my young kids and thinking not that I had cancer but "their dad's got cancer". I have no doubt that Donna has been trying to work out how shes going to cope with the rest of her life with all of our kids and no Dad/Partner. I quickly realised that it is much easier being the one with what was now 100 per cent terminal cancer than it is for the people around you. If it was Donna that had been told she had got cancer I dont think I would have stopped crying. but as it was me it was easy- believe it, accept it, deal with it and then beat it, everyone else around me were still struggling with accepting it whilst in my head i was already beating it. So I now know that its better to have the cancer than a loved one having it. This was one of my positive outlooks, rather me than my kids!!!
I had an MRI scan 10 days ago on the 29th of June which took almost an hour inside the early coffin with tubes hanging out of my arms and my extra large physique been squashed in like a fat fist in a tight glove. The usual fun of holding my breath for what seemed like eternity whilst every muscle in my shoulders was burning from the awkwardness of the tight fit all whilst listening to the jet engines around my head that sounded like they were about to catapult a Boeing 747 into space.
We then had the long wait to receive the call for my follow up appointment. The not knowing and the waiting were much worse than just been told the worst. Monday the 6th of July after hearing nothing a good friend told me that I should have heard something by now and advised me to contact PALS (Patient Advice Liason Service). I called them yesterday Morning and within an hour they informed me that I was due to be discussed at the MDT (Multi Disciplinary Team) meeting this morning and they had arranged an appointment for me later today. Obviously as soon as they told me that i was being discussed at the MDT meeting I knew it was definitely terminal as this team includes medical consultants, surgeons, oncologists and in my mind coroners and funeral directors.
So today I woke up 1 stone and 3 pounds lighter than the last time I saw my consultant. Not a drop of alcohol as passed my lips. So I am all ready to go see him and tell him that whatever the reference books say I am preparing my body to fight this shit and will continue getting healthier until I shrink the bastard tumour with positive thinking. Then they can give me a transplant or cut it out of me. I go for the weigh in and then into the waiting room. Get called pretty quickly by the Doc. He takes us in his room asks us to take a seat, Donna is shaking and im thinking bring it on then, lets do this shit and he tells me that I was discussed this morning in the MDT meeting and my tumour is "nothing sinister"!!!!!! Nothing sinister???? What does that mean? its a friendly warm welcoming cancer that doesnt lurk in the dark back alleys of old London town with a sharpened dagger???? Its a cancer that gives hugs??? It gives you 50p for an ice cream every time it sees you???? So Donna asks what are you saying? He is telling us that I have got a 65mm focal nodular hyperplasica (benign tumour) living on my Liver and I just need to have an MRI scan in 3 months to check that its ok and possibly have a biopsy or an operation.I am that 1% that has beat all odds and avoided it. But for now I havent got cancer!!!!!!
So for the last 4 weeks I have had cancer. I know how it feels to be told that you have cancer. I almost knew when I was going to die. I got it, accepted it, fought it and beat it. I know how those thousands of people with cancer feel. Im not talkin about one of the cancers that can be just cut off or cut off the part of body its attached too, im talking about one of the big killers. For 4 weeks I have known what its like looking at your kids knowing that your not gonna see them grow up. I feel for the cancer sufferers that truely have cancer and not know wether they can beat it or not. This has changed my life forever and its been a massive wake up call. I will continue to stay off the booze as it is literally a poison to your body, I will continue to eat healthy so when my time does eventually come i will give my body the best fighting chance both for prevention and cure.
Thank you to all of my family, friends and colleagues who have been there and supported me over the past 4 weeks, we couldnt have done any of this without all of you. I am the phoenix from the flames and once it actually registers in my mind that I havent got cancer I will rise again stronger and happier than ever. Also i have had a glimpse of all of the amazing work and support that Macmillan offers and once I get sorted I will start fund raising for them as im sure one day we will all know someone who needs there help. I have only scratched the surface of what Donna and I have been through over the past 4 weeks as I have tried to keep it brief. But we have both come out of this stronger than ever, it has shown me how much love we have for each other and we really would do anything for each other, she even offered me half of her Liver but it would probably be worse than mine. I have always lived by and always will live by the rule that if it doesnt kill you it makes you stronger. And now more than ever i realise the truth in that statement. As I was so prepared mentally for the worst news ever and was fully expecting to be told today that I only had a couple of years left I dont think I have accepted that I havent got cancer. i think it will take a few days for it to sink in. I have come out of the hospital today feeling like a fraud for all of my friends and family that have supported, worried and cried for me. To now be told that i dont have cancer makes me feel guilty. Plus I think that I am having a bit of Stockholm syndrome as I am already missing my cancer a little bit. Today was on par with the day I got told that I was having a daughter after fully believing that I couldnt have a girl after having so many sons and donna and I losing so many babies we thought to be Girls. So if anyone has noticed any strange beahaviour/comments coming from the Barton/Beddows camp lately hopefully you now know why !!!!!!
