So here I am. 3 months since I was blown out of the water by a diagnosis of triple neg breast cancer.
Had lumpectomy in December, looking back it wasn't that awful, but could have done with much more information about what to expect.
E.g. When they say wide excision, they mean WIDE !!! Having a small bust I felt half of one boob was gone. Even now it looks pretty mangled. The worst and scariest bit is that it's so hard still. This scares me because I can no longer feel if there was another lump.
I really struggled with post op nerve pain in the armpit and side of my boob. Heard through a friend of a friend that cold packs helped, it really did help, especially in the evening, if only the breast care team had told me !!!
Unfortunately my experience has been very much coloured by pretty rubbish care.
My results eventually came back Triple negative breast cancer grade 3 stage 1 negative sentinel node.
Chemotherapy was planned but has taken twice as long as the evidence shows gives the best survival rates. This is because my trust has no oncology department of its own and limited capacity in the chemotherapy unit. If Id have known this I'd have travelled to the next hospital.
I've been to PALS twice, but didn't actually change anything, but I'm told they're looking into it for the future.
Doesn't help me though. I feel I've lost 9% of my survival stats.
Si now I'm ready for chemo, starting in 2 days time.
It's like a cross between getting ready for an amazing day out and WW3.
I've cut my hair, had brows and nails done (not allowed but don't care). I've cleaned the house, stocked the freezer and sewn PICC line covers to match my underwear. On the subject of which I now own about 20 barely worn soft bras and crop tops, which were all uncomfortable at the time !!
I've cleared my diary (mixed blessing if I feel ok) and going wig shopping tomorrow. I've also bought loads of turbans, hats and scarves from Vinted. And had my eyebrows semi permanently tattooed on !!!
Still can't get my head around that I'm going to be infused with something so caustic it can kill me or make me seriously ill !!! And I'm going to do it willingly !!!
Then eventually I'm going to lie half naked in a machine and have radioactive beams targeted at me. And then I'm going to try and get on with my life 
I can't say I've been a "warrior" so far, I've been a bloody mess, cried loads, drank too much and generally bored everyone to death about my cancer !!
I do think that my dissatisfaction with my team has influenced the way I feel, but unfortunately I can't change being a nurse and midwife all my adult life !!
Maybe things will start to feel better, once chemotherapy is underway, I know have lots to be grateful for, but I don't feel grateful, just pissed off, angry and sad.
I just pray this disease doesn't blight the rest of my life, if I just knew it wouldn't come back, I'd cope better I think, but sadly I know that's far from true.
Thank god for my never endingly patient husband 
️ without him I wouldn't have got this far. I do feel that if it comes back I might just duck out rather than ever have to go through this again.
Fingers crossed chemo makes me feel so physically crappy it distracts from my emotional state, is that even a thing 
