It is strange how a seemingly innocuous remark can set off a chain of events which end up with my husband and I not talking and me screaming like a banshee around the house, desperate to smash up something to vent my anger, and it is he who is receiving chemotherapy!!
I thought I had done everything I could, cooking specific foods to help with his diet, going with him to appointments, encouraging him to be positive when his naturally pessimistic nature took over with regard to his survival from the cancer journey. I make notes whenever we see the doctors, I write lists of his medication and he refers to me for virtually everything, and I do this willingly and happily as I think it takes the pressure off him while he is on this path.
He has been told to cut down on his wine consumption, but over the last week has ignored this almost as though he is unable to accept his limitations. He is still working, and while he is on his two weeks off the chemo, he seems stronger and more like his old self. I have noticed over the past ten days that he is getting more and more impatient and aggressive towards silly little things, for example, other drivers, people on the TV, things that go wrong when he is doing something, stuff like that.
Last Thursday after two cycles of chemo, he had what is I believe called a staging scan, to determine whether or not the tumours have shrunk - if they have, or have remained the same, reasons for celebration. If they have increased in number or have grown, then the chemo drugs will have to be re-thought and a new regime introduced.
Today as I was preparing lunch, our younger daughter was there with her family, there was talk of a holiday next year. I just said we really ought to wait for the outcome of the scan which we will get on the 25th before booking anythng and my husband went mad, and said it sounded as though I thought he was going to die and not make it to the holiday.
He knows only too well that it was not so, that I meant we should wait to see if he needs more chemo or less after next week's results - but he was furious. I could not believe he could think that as I have been the one remaining absolutely and resolutely positive in the face of his pessimism and it has hurt me dreadfully that he should think this.
To cut a long story short, we have had a massive row and I ended up shouting and swearing and leaving the room and banging around in my bedroom.
I know he is scared and is probably transferring his fears onto me, but for him to think I would feel like that after all the hard work we have done together has cut me to the core. I am trying to understand but failing dreadfully - perhaps we needed this, but I think not, to let off steam which has been building up. We are both cautious about the results of the scan, and are dreading Friday, but I feel as though he has slapped me and turned on me.
I wish I had not lost my temper and just let it pass - I do not deny the stress and the worry of the past few months has got to me, I am trying to stay on a even keel not only for my husband but our family as well, but I feel forgotten in all this - and that makes me sound even worse doesn't it?
But how can he honestly believe I think he is going to lose this fight after all we have talked about these past months - I feel very low tonight and am grateful for the chance to let it all out on this site - let's hope things are better in the morning. I do hope so.
