Avoidence
This is an amazing word which suits me down to the ground.
I spend so long looking after everyone, I am too tired to think of me. Don't get me wrong, I shower each day, wash, blowdry and straighten my hair every second day, make sure my children are clean pressed and smiling for the day ahead...but all the time I spend doing that I am avoiding the grief.
This morning a teacher at my daughters school, who has said three words to me this term, told me that I was such and inspiration. Why? - Because I had got up, got dressed and got the kids to school. Is this not basic living? If not, is she praising me for avoiding the grief?
I have happily avoided coming on here for a while. Teasing myself that I was far too busy. Was that to avoid facing reality or because I had nothing to say? - I do not know.
Right now I am in limbo...I allow the grief in every now and then - looking through old photos, talking through memories. But it makes me sad. Deep down, gut renching sad and I stop...I don't want to feel that way, the numbness is bad enough.
If I am coping, if the kids are doing alright, is it really wrong to use avoidence?
