Hello again. Back so soon? Well I actually wrote the other blog a few days ago, and posted it today. But since I wrote that other stuff has happened which I thought was worth sharing with people - and even if nobody is interested, it helps me to write it down. :-)
My first thought on waking every morning is... "I have cancer", and then I touch the left side of my torso and think about this alien presence inside me. And then I think "Why me?" followed by "It's so unfair!" etc. etc. And then I pull myself together, and go and make a coffee. To be told that it's nothing that I've done, that it's just BAD LUCK, makes it so hard to accept. Sometimes I think that this isn't happening to me.
What I'm finding hardest through all of this is other peoples reactions to my cancer. I bumped into an old friend in Sainsburys at the weekend, and when I told her about my diagnosis she started crying - in the middle of the valentine card isle! I told a good friend the news over the phone last night, and she started crying too! A lot of people have cried in front of me, and I'm finding it really hard to join in. I actually haven't had a good sob about it yet. Just odd moments where it grabs hold of me, and I have a few tears, but then I fight it back and carry on. I never know when it's going to happen either - can be triggered by a song, a smell, a sight. Anything. Not sure why I'm finding it so hard to have a good hard cry. Nobody else is!
Also, and I completely understand why people do this, but I get irrationally angry at being what I call "jollied" out of it - i.e. "you'll be fine" or "it'll be alright" or strangest of all, "it's probably nothing". I've had to tell a few people to stop doing this. I know they don't know what else to say, but it's really irritating. Right now, I can't hear the good news, and there is no silver lining to my cloud. Not that I'm bitter eh?
I'm very very lucky that the company I work for provide private healthcare and part of the package is that I've been assigned a 'Dedicated nurse' throughout the process. So Vivienne and I are fast becoming friends. When I received the diagnosis I was given choices on where/when and by whom the nephrectomy would take place. Private hospital = good aftercare but limited experience of this op. NHS hospital = op done regularly and teams of specialists on hand but aftercare maybe not as personal and would have to be on a ward. I've asked the question if I can be a private patient in an NHS hospital and I'm waiting for an answer on this. I'm sure if anyone is reading this who doesn't have the choice I must seem like a spoiled child, but actually I've found it really hard. If something goes wrong then I'll feel guilty about having made the wrong choice! Yes, spoiled child indeed.
So, it looks like the operation is schedule for the 5th March. Eeek. Quicker than I thought. I've been given a few weeks respite because the lovely man in my life has booked a trip to Paris in a few weeks time, and it's really important to us both to have some time together away from all this, before the operation/recovery process starts. Really excited about Paris, it's just a shame that we have to take the extra 'hand luggage' of the tumour with us.
I'll keep blogging while stuff pops into my head.
