Strange day. Feeling very low and bleak. Quiet and withdrawn too, which is unlike me. I had a real wobble last night re: making decisions about treatment. Today, my partner has contacted my consultant by e-mail on my behalf with all the questions that are going through my head. My consultant has taken the time to reply which is really nice of him, and has helped slightly. Pressure of having to make a quick decision. I seem to be very 'snappy' and intolerant at the moment - of both myself and others (even people on the TV!!!). Having said that, my son and I had a complete laugh 'til you cry moment just before he went to bed which was lovely. Rollercoaster of emotions.
Somebody texted me today to say that they'd been researching kidney cancer on the internet and all they could find was really scary stuff, and asked what site I would recommend they look at. I do start to feel like I'm propping other people up at times. I want to tell people to sod off but that's not going to help anyone is it?
As part of my post-surgery plan I have got to lose weight and get fitter, so for the last 2 days I have power-walked to the local shops and back. Today I really got hot and out of breath and accomplished it in a time of 25 minutes. I plan to do this every day until the surgery and tomorrow I'm going to try and extend the walk and add an extra 10 minutes on. I like overtaking people on route. Exhilarating.
If you fancy a laugh, and you're a Star Wars geek, check out the Darth Vadar VW ad on youtube. Very amusing and a few minutes of respite from cancer thoughts.
Hope x
