On Wednesday we found out mum had cancer in her lung. That didn't mean anything to me. It was just a word. We went to a meeting at hospital and she had a biopsy on the Thursday. Afterwards I popped in to see the family dr and he told me it had spread through mum and gave me a time on how long she had left. That has sent my world crashing in. I have gone through hours of crying. Started to last at in rage at my poor husband and then surreal moments at feeling ok. My go is not a specialist and yes I know he shouldn't of said a thing. Now all I can think about is presents for Xmas won't be used if I but for her and if my trying to conceive works she won't ever see my 1st child. I hope with all my heart the go don't know what he is talking about I am so so scared I can't lose my mum she is all I have. That's without starting to think how she feels. How would I feel if I knew what was wrong with me might eventually claim my life. She has said she don't want to know if there's a time limit on how long she has left and that she is going to fight this all the way. How selfish am I to think of myself when it is she who has to face this. It makes me feel such a selfish cow I feel I should get a grip and suck it up. But I don't want to. I want this to all end and go back to Normal. I hate my life and and I hate life in generally. I don't want anyone to hurt my mum. I don't want her getting I'll from chemo. I don't want anyone to ever make her sad I don't want to wake it morning. And I want this pain to go away and leave me alone. I am so lost and I can't bear the thought of life without my strong beautifull wonderfull mum