I feel so guilty even writing this that I am fighting with myself every letter. I have had a very eventful life so far and was a troubled young man for many years working in jobs I hated and partying as if everyday was my last. I lost my father to a heart attack and my mother to cancer over 15 years ago within a few years of each other while they both were quite young. I guess the loss did not help my stability and I remained very unhappy until around five years ago when I finally slowed down and was happy not only with all I had achieved in work but where I was in life and my relationships with my children and my partner.
As im sure you all know after you get a few years of happiness that is the time when fate will take its first attempt to piss down your leg and tell you its raining, and it did. I was suffering from restricted breathing and a constant cough and after almost a year of tests for everything but cancer I was told I had a tumor in my bronchile tube. After the experience of watching my mothers battle I did not hold any hope for myself and tried hard to keep a brave face for everyones sake. Everything went well and I had a successful operation to remove the tumor last year and after the worry before and telling my children and partner I thought that once I got the 6 month all clear that everything was great again. The muscle damage from the op is healing well and I have started training again and all should be well, but its not.
I have started to get highs and lows which I never really experienced before, I cannot focus on anything for anytime, I have lost interest in my work, I have started to drink on an all too regular baises, I have started to put on weight and I have to over train to control it, leaving myself exshauted, and to top it all I have started to smoke again after being off for over a year before my operation.
I feel like I have lost control and I have never been one to allow that to happen. I do not feel sorry for myself because if anyone was to blame for ill health, physically or mentally, it was most certainly my lifestyle choices before and after causing my problems. I know all that and knowing I got the all clear is just making me feel more guilt because I know my mother never drank or smoked in her life and she had no chance with her illness. I am very frustrated with myself and my lack of self discipline at the minute. I know there is no magic pill out there but i just had to try this forum to sound off and release a bit of pressure.
P.S. pardon the spelling mistakes hav'nt mastered this site yet and add the seldom attended secondary education, well you get the rest!!
