my mum is 58 years old and has only days left to live , i have to sit day after day wand watch this disease ravage her body and her mind , she has battled for 2 years ,been to hell and back and then some , and now after all the fighting ,was it worth it , she is the bravest person i have ever had the honour of knowing and i am so proud to call her my mum,she has fought this with such dignity and honesty and now we all have to sit and endure the pure torture of her slipping away day by day, hour by hour , minute by minute , she is in another dimension , she does not know us anymore and is spending less time awake and wen she is awake she s dazed and confused , it worrys me , how aware of what is going on she is and what she is thinking , feeling , scared of , how do we know that she is not terrified or distressed inside , i am in turmoil, terrified of what happens next , its like its not real . i cant sleep as i am terrified the phone is gonna ring and it will be the nurse fro the hospice , hw can i prepare my 8 year old son who idolises his gran , i cant face it all , dunno how im gonna get the strength for her , my family and for the aftermath, can anyone please help , thanks
FormerMember
Dear hibbychick, I'm so sorry to read about what's happened to your Mum. She sounds a lovely, loving and brave lady and is obviously loved very much by her family. Try not to second guess what she's feeling etc because there's no way of knowing and you will just drive yourself crazy. You might be right that she's in a "different dimension". I personally believe that when our time is near we drift back and forth between the dimensions until we are ready to 'let go'. That could explain why she gets dazed and confused when 'back' here. You my love need to get some rest. You are not Superwoman and need to understand that. You can only do what you are physically and emotionally able to do. Start to breathe properly. When under stress that's the first thing to go. Take deep breaths, counting to 5 as you go, hold for the count of 5 and then breathe out to count of 5. This will calm you down and bring much needed oxygen into your body.
As for your son, you can't really 'prepare' him for the loss of his much-loved Nan but you can talk to him about how unwell she is and have him think of happy times he has shared with her. Maybe let him start a 'memory box' of his Nan, let him look at photographs and cards she might have sent him. But let him know that it is also ok to feel sad and to cry because that's what grown-ups do to. As his Mum you WILL find the strength to get through the next few weeks but let him see you cry to, that it's ok. I have said before in other posts tears are part of the healing process.
Sadly there are a few members who have recently lost their mum's and I'm sure they will be along to support you soon.
Having just read your blog entry, firstly let me tell you how sorry I am about your dear Mom. I went through exactly the same with my Mom, and I too would describe the whole thing as torture. To stand helplessly by while your Mom is dying and in pain is too awful to even contemplate. At the same time you are expected to be there for everyone else, your children, your father, other friends and relatives. Yet there is no-one there who can tell you how you should be coping with all this.
I remember thinking "how am I going to cope without her? What is life going to be like?" it was unimaginable. And yes, it did hurt, a lot. Both mentally and physically. At one point I thought I was never going to get over losing her and part of me wanted to die with her. It took time to realise that it would not have been what she wanted and, although I didn't want to hear it at the time, life did go on- all around me so that eventually I just had to try and join in again.
I am not going to pretend it's easy. It certainly isn't and ten years on I still miss her so so much. But you know, somehow you do find the strength - you do cope and having children so young does help because you have got to show them that you are still here and they still have you.
My heart goes out to you at the moment because having read your thoughts they are almost a mirrror of mine. On this website I have posted a diary which I wrote at the time entitled "Mom's diary" - see if you can find it, and if you can - read it. It may just help to know you are not alone.
Take care of yourself, your Mom needs you right now, but also don't be afraid to cry and don't be afraid to let it all out - you are only human after all.
i am going thro the same thing at this very moment my dad is in his final days too and hes just not "with us" and he needs someone to be sat with him 24hrs a day , so im worried hes trying to ask me for things like drinks etc but unable to talk hes jerking all the time and he looks like trying to talk but cant its the most cruel thing iv ever seen . i also have a son whos 8 and iv tried to prepare him but it dosnt seem to register and im worried it will hit him hard once my dad has passed. iv been told that although my dads organs are shutting down one by one the last thing to go is the hearing so i just keep telling him we love him and that its ok for him to go cos i think hes so worried about upsetting us that hes fighting it for our sake.
just like to thank everyone for their kind words , it really helps to realise u are not alone , cancer is a trrible illness for everyone involved and i take comfort to know that other people like u guys have got and are getting through it , with all my heart thanks so much xxxxxx
