It is a release to be able to put into writing what has been happening recently.
Keith had his scan 2 weeks ago, and has been in a lot more pain since then. We had to call out the duty doctor last week on Friday night because his pain control medication was not adequate. I felt so helpless not being able to do anything except be there for him. He was admitted to hospital and as he hadn't been able to eat they put him on a hydrating drip, then a catheter.
All sorts of pain relievers were given, then thankfully he was moved onto the oncology ward on Monday evening. They have a really good pain mangement team, so he is able to have something stronger than morphine every 12 hours.
We saw Dr Last for the scan results in the ward quiet room yesterday afternoon. We had been prepared for bad news by all sorts of remarks made by various staff, also the fact that his assigned colorectal nurse was swapped for a gastric-type nurse but we had not been given any formal information.
We learned that the 2 tumours removed from his small & large bowel were in fact secondaries - everything started in his stomach. He needs building up in strength before they will consider chemo (a 9 week course.) but they are giving him steroids to help with appetite etc.
We understand that this is terminal, and that the chemo may not work. All I want is for him not to suffer pain - so to my reilef they are going to ensure he is on the right cocktail of pain relief before he comes home - and brilliantly he will be referred for a Macmillan nurse to oversee things at home.
Although in my heart I knew things were bad I can't seem to stop crying at nothing now - I don't even know what sets me off. Our 2 sons have been wonderful, but both live in the south & we are in North Yorkshire. Friends here have been so kind and supportive - everyone at our church is praying for us to have strength & peace, and there have been so many offers of help it has been quite ovewhelming.
One good thing - I have had almost 50 years of married life with Keith - not all roses - he is such a stubborn man! but I love him to bits. So many of our early friends were divorced or separated & I know we are fortunate in still being together after all this time.
After the consultation with Dr Last yesteray we had half an hour to ourselves in the quiet room and were able to have a bit of a chat, a bit of a weep. and were comforted to be able to pray together and remember the promises from the Bible in Psalm 16 - anyone who is (or isn't) a Christian believer can look it up - it is so helpful to know that whatever happens we remain in God's hands.
Thats it for now - Helen
