20

I haven't wrote a blog post for ages....have a feeling this will be a long one lol. Everything with me cancer wise is fine, I am still having regular check ups (every 8 weeks) and when I went last week my consultant said my left vocal chord still has some swelling there but he's pretty sure that it's scar tissue, which has replaced the healthy tissue that was there before the tumour grew. I went for an ECG earlier today as my heart seems to do some crazy stuff every now and then, one of the chemo drugs I had is known for heart damage so they just want to check it's not because of that. I think it was pretty pointless just having a 2 minute one as I told everyone that it doesn't happen all the time, just a few times a day (but never at the same time) but hey ho! We'll see what my Doctor says when she gets the results...they probably think I'm faking it!! lol I finished speech therapy in December and my voice is still husky but it probably always will be. I still can't shout or sing (boo!) but I'm used to it now and I have noticed how I don't worry what people think (as much) anymore. I still can't deal with phone calls, my voice just sounds worse over the phone and it makes me cringe lol. Anyway, I am going back to see my speech therapist on Friday because I've noticed how I'm struggling to say certain words, it gets REALLY frustrating. If I'm outside, hardly anyone can hear me and if I am REALLY trying to get some power behind my voice, it really hurts and I end up paying for it for the rest of the day (with an even quieter voice than normal) - the words I am struggling to say are words like 'taxi' and 'Pete', when I say them it sounds like I'm saying 'axi' and 'te' so people don't get what I'm saying. Then when I try and say the word again, I get flustered and just give up lol. The burn marks (from radiotherapy) on my neck are still there, but not as noticeable as they used to be. Sometimes you can see them, but it depends what colour top I'm wearing! My hair is LONG. Well, it's about to my shoulders...I love it....it does annoy me sometimes because it's still curly so going out with it un-straightened is a NO GO. I still haven't had my 'first' hair cut - luckily it has grown back pretty even and has kind of gone in to a style that doesn't look so bad, I just keep trying to get it a tiny bit longer but now I can feel myself wanting it cut. I feel comfortable with this length and I don't think that I will grow it as long as it was before I lost it (it was really, really long), people say this suits me so I'll stick with this for the time being. I can be adventurous anyway, before I just stuck to the same style but now I'd like to change styles. I am now 15 months (and 2 days) post treatment, not that I'm counting or anything! I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety which I am pretty sure is just a (very) delayed reaction to everything that has happened. I felt quite let down by the Hospital because I was just 'dropped' after my last radiotherapy session. I was offered counselling before I started treatment but (at the time) I was fine and said no thanks, I feel they should have offered it to me again....I don't know, maybe I should have asked? Anyway,I have been to counselling (not arranged through the Hospital or anything) and and now seeing a psychologist (great) as I'm trying everything possible to avoid antidepressants. I'm also on tablets to control the physical side of anxiety so we'll see how it goes. I was at a really bad low a few weeks ago, I couldn't even get dressed because I was so fed up. I also didn't go out of the house for weeks but now I am trying to go out every day (even if it's just to the shop to get some milk) - onwards and upwards from here hopefully :) August 21st is my '1 year in remission' anniversary, I am hoping to have a big party but at the same time I am scared I'll jinx myself, lol. I still worry a lot about what the future might (key word: MIGHT) hold but I guess this is natural and I just have to take things one day at a time, that's my motto. Tomorrow is my 20th Birthday - feels weird. I will no longer be a teen. I was 18 when I was diagnosed so it feels like I have changed A LOT since then, I don't even feel like the same person any more. It's a very strange feeling. Ok, I'm off now because I have blabbered on a bit too much. Typical me!! Lots of love Hayley x