It's something that I say to my friends all the time.
Today I do not feel strong, or capable, I feel very scared. My Dad is a week post round one of the 6month chemo and he is feeling like he's been hit by a bus. Can't put our finger on any one thing. He's not in pain anywhere specific, he's not sick, he's not got a temperature or anything, he's just beat. I spoke to him on the phone before I went over and I knew it was a bad day. His speech wasn't right and I'm not sure if he's just tired and its more prominent, or its the chemo round, or its after effects of radiation or whether there's something worse to worry about.
He lives by himself and I'm the only carer. He's really independent, looking after himself fantastically. I visit every day or so in treatment, every three or four out of treatment, but I'd not seen him since Sunday cause I've had a stinking cold all week and didn't want to pass it on.
I swear my knuckles were white driving over I was that scared of how he'd be. He's so exhausted. The kettle was cold which never happens in my dads house, he's a one man brewing machine. I'd been and got some easy food and essentials on the way over so I know at least he will have something quick to make tonight, I'll see him straight from work tomorrow. I think if he's not any better I'll organise docs, not his GP though, they're pants! Maybe I'll call macmillans?
It hits me fresh again that Dad has got cancer. Its not like I forget cause my whole life is kind of worked around the fact, but you see something, or hear something and it slaps you in the chops again doesn't it?
I'm scared for my Dad, and a bit for me. He is not someone you look after, or causes a fuss, and knowing that he needs looking after is torture for him. And I keep thinking, we're only at the beginning right? What happens next?
Meh. Bath and bed I think, wake up to a new day tomorrow, hopefully where he's feeling a bit better.
