Hi everybody,
I was diagnose with stage 2 Oesophageal cancer and Barrett's Oesophagus in October last year 2014, and was a candidate to go straight to surgery without further treatment,
Know because of the type of work i do i informed my employers straight away that as i work away from home all week i would be unable to carry out by duties properly due to the number of hospital and doctors appointments i would be needing, (of which there were many) this along with the prospect of an 8 hour operation and up to a month in hospital so i now work from home,
However 2 days before i was due to go into hospital for my operation in January i needed to have an up to date CT for the surgeon, and the day before i was called into the Oncology dept and informed that the scan showed i had progressed to stage 3 and would therefore benefit from Chemotherapy before having the operation,
It was the idea of having the chemo that finally help it sink in that my condition was a lot worse than i had imagined,
I am now into my last week (week 9) of my pre-opp Chemo (3 x 3 week sessions) and am looking forward to my operation which has been booked for the end of April,
I am know into my 6th month post diagnosis and I know that i am probably 1 of a very few people who can honestly say, that the cancer and the Chemotherapy has had absolutely no physical effect on my daily life whatsoever, (i can hear you say, that i should be truly grateful this is the case)
I am still fully functional,
I still do all my own Cooking, (still eat like a horse) Cleaning, Washing & Ironing, Housework, Shopping and now that spring is here i am back in the garden as well, (yes, i live alone)
I still manage to peddle 10-15 miles a day on my road bike, still drive my car everywhere else,
Still have a full head of hair even though i was told that it would all fall out, It did start to fall out, but after cutting it short (approx 3 mm) it stopped, i have always kept it reasonably short anyway so the extra few mm didn't matter, And people are always commenting on how well i look (in the circumstances) other don't believe me until i show them my emergency card from the Oncology Dept.
So as i said earlier, this has had absolutely no physical effect on my daily life, even my blood tests have never faltered
HOWEVER,
Mentally i feel more and more guilty and more of a fraudster as the days go on,
I had 2 family friends lose their battle at the end of last year, 1 who suffered a lot for an extended period of time, and 1 who lost his battle only weeks after being diagnosed,
I now find it extremely difficult to face either of their wives now due to extreme guilt, even though my sister tells me that they are happy to see me doing so well,
When i read the posts on this website, I get very emotional reading the terrible stories that others are going through, and often feel that i have no right to be on here even though i can relate to some of them, I.E. The lose of family and friends who disappeared as soon as we told we had the big C, I have also tried to offer some kind words and practical advise to some members, looking at their problems from my point of view,
I no longer tell people i am fighting Cancer, If asked how i am i just say, Fine or Great, when having chemo, i sit in silence because i don't feel i have the right to laugh and joke when others are so down and poorly, unfortunately i am usually the 1st in and last out due to the length of my chemo so see many people coming and going which just makes me feel worse,
I know that i should feel grateful, but it is really difficult to be grateful when i see so many of my fellow afflicted and their carers suffering so much,
I know and appreciate that some of you will feel anger towards me for this post, but before you do please think, it took me a long time and a lot of courage to write this, Because,
Even as a fellow suffer i cannot dare to comprehend what you are feeling and suffering, and the loneliness just keeps building and growing, even on this site where we should all feel like 1 big family i often feel totally alienated,
I know i have Cancer, so why should i feel so guilty and such a fraudster???????????????
John x
