Trying to contain it. All day. Had the In-Laws over this afternoon. A friend popped over too. Hard. Everybody means well. But had to do things to avoid a massive emotional spillage everywhere. Made tea. Washed up. Shouldn't be doing stuff because I'm still very sore and not healed yet. But needed to get out of there for a few minutes. Needed to avoid eye contact.
Why today? Maybe yesterday's meeting with the Oncologist is sinking in. She drew a picture of my treatment plan on a piece of paper. This for 'x' months, then maybe that, then definitely this for a year, then that as well etc. etc. In addition to this and that, I'll probably end up with a Portacath and egg extraction.
MORE PROCEDURES!!!! I CAN'T DEAL WITH IT ANY MORE!!!!
On top of that, I'm alienating my boyfriend. He just wants to help. But I can't talk about it. I don't want to talk about it. So I'm shutting him out. Just want to absorb myself in more shit telly. Be on my own. If I talk about it, the flood gates will open. Sick of crying. Sick of feeling weak. Sick of feeling sorry for myself. Feel so isolated. Actually, that's ok. I want to be isolated right now.
I don't want to do it. Any of it. I've had enough now. Statistically, I've got an 85% chance of no recurrence in the next 10 years if I did nothing more. Pretty good odds. Trouble is, I'm not a risk taker. Never have been. Also, at only 36, I've got more than just the next 10 years to worry about. Shit. It's just too much.
A close friend has been texting me this evening. I told her that there are other people in far worse positions than me. However, I still can't get away from what I have to face, very soon. It's daunting. No. That's an understatement. It's terrifying.
I know I'm being selfish. Why can't I be like some others on here? Just getting on with it. Dealing with it. My friend says she doesn't want to say the wrong thing to me. I said I know that I need a verbal kick up the backside. Just may be not today...
