I'm in a really good mood today. I mean, a REALLY good mood!
Want to say thanks to everyone for all your support, comments and hugs. Can't tell you how much it's needed and you have all made me feel so much better throughout this whole ordeal. This community is the best thing ever.
Looked back at my blogs after I wrote the last one and thought 'how depressing'. Decided not to write another one till I felt more positive. Have presented a person to you all who is massively depressed all the time, weak and unable to cope with anything! It's really not me at all. Just looks that way.
But today. Listening to some really buzzing music. Feeling really positive. Very different from two days ago. Well, from how I've been for weeks actually.
Wednesday 21st October
Had to start my injections for the IVF. Have to inject every evening for two weeks. Imagine it. Sitting there. Injection pen in hand. Over my tummy. Hysterical. Can't do it. Ok. Little prod. Ouch!!!! Bleeding now. OK. Try again. Same thing. Went on for half an hour. Just couldn't stick the injection in. Ended up with 5 'prods' bleeding all over the bloody place. (Yes, you can laugh!). Boyfriend did it in the end. What's really funny is that I didn't even feel it! I'm such a baby. Last night, he did it again. Only took 10 minutes this time and a few tears before I said "ok". So, baby steps...
Thursday 22nd October
Lots of confusion with Oncologist. Her secretary was off and a temp was in. Got a phone call saying chemo was booked for the 4th November. Problem was that my egg extraction will take place on 2nd November. Need to get a portacath fitted. So how can chemo start on the 4th? Lots of e-mails/phone calls back and forward. Onc getting pissed off.
Why? I'm only trying to find out when the bloody portacath is gonna get fitted.
Spoke to Onc in the end. Mistake her end. Temp should have only booked a consultation. Not the start of chemo. Onc will arrange the portacath. She'll sort everything.
Phew!
I know I've got to do the chemo. But straight into it with no consultation. Now I feel better. Big weight off. I've now also arranged to meet the chemo nurses next week. Have a 'look/see' and a chat before the chemo. Need to know what I'm up against. Feel now I have the time to mentally prepare for it all. Able to focus now. Get through IVF. Meet the nurses. Meet the Onc. Plan the Portacath. Start chemo. I like plans. They suit me. Much better now.
Today
Boob wound had a bit of puss the other day. NOT GOOD. Can't have an infection when gonna start chemo. Started anti-biotics yesterday. Saw breast surgeon this morning. Such a nice guy. Not my usual one. He's gone to another hospital now (the effect I must have on these people lol!). Told me knots in the stitches sometimes cause this. Told me not to worry. To continue on anti-biotics. Said rest of wound looks ok for chemo. He's soooooo nice. A hand-holder.
Really feeling looked after today..... Mmmmmmmm
Generally
Boyfriend and I have become very close. Been together for just over 9 months now. It's taken me a long time to 'let him in'. Every time I try, I feel vulnerable. So I push him away. I'd become good at starting a row or winding him up just so I could 'twist' it to my favour and find excuses to break up.
So much previous damage there...
Last couple of weeks though, have found myself 'conceding' to the relationship. May be it's ok to rely on someone else. To need someone else. Find it all very disconcerting. Very hard to do again. To trust again. I could be destroyed. Been trying to go with it though. He's good for me. We're good for each other. Last weekend. I helped out with Trevor Sorbie's charity 'My New Hair'. Boyfriend and kids came too. Other cancer patients there. About 8 of us. Fantastic day. Afterwards, boyfriend and I felt really close. All week, things have been great between us. I mean, really great. Last few weeks, have been feeling a depth of feeling I've never felt with anyone before. Not even my ex husband.
Unfamiliar territory. Scary. Risky. Really nice though. Sooooo intense!
May be this is what being in love is supposed to feel like. Proper in love. Like in old films. May be it does happen in real life. Not just in the movies...
