Today
Got out of bed about an hour ago. Have been extremely depressed since my last blog. Have stayed in bed mostly. Haven't talked to anyone. Wallowing in my own self misery.
Tuesday 29th September
My breast wound has 90% healed really nicely. Except a small bit which hasn't knitted together. It's been seeping here and there and just won't close. Woke up. Seep everywhere. Wouldn't stop. Made an appointment to see the GP. My fav. one works on Tuesdays so saw her. As soon as I walked into her room, I burst out crying. Not just the wound. Everything. She was lovely though. Didn't rush me. She looked at the wound. Thought it might be infected.
Terrific!
Took a swab. Prescribed anti-biotics. Said I was reluctant to take them, because of the fertility treatment that is coming up and the chemo after that. She said she didn't think anti-biotics would affect either. I'm not sure though.
She sent me to the nurse to have it dressed. Still crying. Couldn't stop.
Ridiculous! This is all so hard. All strength has gone. I'm a strong person. Where's it all gone? Not even motivated to pull myself together anymore. Just don't care...
Nurse prodded around. Said she didn't think it was infected because it wasn't pussy or angry or painful. I asked her to prod around inside with her tweezers to 'dig' out any congealed seep before dressing it. "Ah ha!" she said. "What?". She pulled out a stitch. It hadn't dissolved and was causing the problem. It must have come away, hence leaving a small opening. She gave it a good clean. Pulled wound together and put some sterri-strips on. Told me to leave it and not get it wet. Going back on Friday. If it's infected, I suppose I'll have to take the pills. If not, then hopefully, it will have started to knit together now the stitch is out the way.
Back from the doc. Friend waiting at my door. Last week she'd arranged to take me out to lunch. Wasn't looking forward to it. Couldn't be bothered. Felt like cancelling. Didn't though, because I thought as I'd had to go out the house to see the doc anyway, I might as well.
Lunch was ok. Nice to talk about someone else's life for a change. Then came home. A couple of hours before I had to go out again to collect the kids. They've been with my ex. for the last few days. This morning, I couldn't face seeing them. Just wanted to stay on my own. Nearly phoned the ex and told him to keep them for a bit longer.
That's terrible of me! How can I not want to see my kids?
But, since I had to go out to see the doc, since I had to have lunch with my friend, thought I should manage another trip out...make the effort...
Make the effort? What kind of mother does that make me?
Back to Today
Up early. School run. Straight back to bed. Phone rang. Ignored it. Texts came in. Ignored them. Couldn't be bothered. 11.30am. Mum phoned. Spoke for about 20 minutes. Unusual, because our conversations are usually a minute or two. But I thought why not? Nothing else to do.
Got up. Read a text. Someone's left me a voicemail. Dialled in. "You have 15 messages"!!!! 15???? Listened to all of them. All dated back to 11th September (few days before my surgery). How did that happen? Phone usually tells me if there's a voice mail. Must have 'cancelled' an alert at some point and no more went off! Anyway, listened to them. A couple I had to get back to. Spoken to everybody else since they left messages, so OK.
Downstairs now. More crap telly on. Macmillan nurse is coming this afternoon. Doc referred me. For the last month, the nurse and I have been playing the voicemail game. Not been able to get hold of each other. Till Monday. Finally spoke. I cried (for a change). Made the appointment for today. Not sure what she can do. In fact, not sure what she even does... We'll soon see I suppose...
