This time yesterday morning I was a complete wreck. Sitting on a hospital bed. Hysterical. Crying. Panicking. NOT doing what my counsellor had told me to do the day before. She had said to take each part of the morning as a stage. To deal with each stage in its own right. To remember I had control and could say 'stop'. Unfortunately, this time yesterday, all that advice was still on a piece of paper in my handbag and not in the forefront of my mind.
It was egg harvesting day. I have been through several days of daily injections into my stomach and in hospital every couple of days for bloods and scans. The treatment was supposed to last 2 weeks before harvesting took place. On Wednesday however (only one week into the treatment), my scan revealed that I was 'ready'. Very fertile apparently. They needed to harvest me early.
Nurses and doctors could see I was in a state. Normally Diazepam is what they give. For me, I got Temazepam. I take this occasionally when I can't sleep at night. Always does the trick. Knocks me right out. Not yesterday. I was so busy panicking that it had no effect whatsoever.
Then it was time. The nurse came over and said "You are in control. You can say stop at any time".
Oh yes! I remember! Ok, a little calmer now. Calm down. Breathe...
Walked into the 'room'. A bed with stirrupy things to rest your legs in.
OH NO! THIS IS IT. OH NO!
On the bed. Lying down. Medazelan tester. All is good. No reaction. Worried because I'm not feeling 'out of it yet'. More must have gone into my arm, because then nothing. Nothing until I felt 'something'. "STOP, STOP" I remember saying. Vaguely also remember replying to the nurse "No, only just for a minute". Then more 'nothing'.
Back in recovery. Tired but very relaxed.
It's all over now. Huge sigh.
With everything that I have had to go through and am yet to go through, the egg harvesting was always going to be the most traumatic. Surgery: Fine because I had a general anaesthetic. Portacath: Will be fine, because I will get a general anaesthetic. Chemo: Will be semi-fine (more on this below). Egg harvesting: NOT FINE. Main problem was that GA was not an option. Only sedation. Never been sedated before, hence didn't really 'believe' that I would be 'out of it' enough not to feel anything.
Anything involving a GA is fine by me. Under a GA, they can do what they want and I won't feel a thing. I had been very 'nervous' about the chemo. It's due to start in a week or two, once the Portacath is fitted. However, after the procedure I had yesterday, it's moved into the semi-fine category from the 'seriously problematic' category. I mean, nothing can be anywhere near as traumatic as what I went through yesterday can it?
But it's over now. Another chapter closed. They got 12 eggs. There were more apparently, but the rest were stuck behind an artery and unreachable. But 12 is good. They were going to fertilise them with my partner's sperm yesterday afternoon and ring us this morning to let us know how many 'embryos' they are able to freeze. Gonna try and relax now this weekend. Next big thing is that I'm meeting the Oncologist on Wednesday. I'll be finding out when my portacath will be fitted and when the first chemo date will be.
