48 hours into this new diagnosis. Trying to get my head around it all. I still can't quite believe it. I keep saying to myself 'may be they made a mistake'. May be it's not cancerous at all and it's just an error.
About 6 weeks ago I was lying in bed on my right side. My right arm draped over towards the left side of my body. Hand resting on the side of my boob. That's when I felt it. I FREAKED out. My partner was next to me and calmed me down. Went to the doctor. A locum saw me. "Come back in 6 weeks" she said "and we'll look at it again. It seems to be a bit mobile so that's what you should do". So I went away. After two weeks, I went back. I couldn't wait. Saw my usual doctor who referred me straight away. She said that it felt fibrous but she wanted it checked out just in case.
Friday 21st August 2009
So, last Friday (a week ago), I go in to the local hospital. Doctor said he thought it might be a cyst. Said they'd have to stick a needle in to try and drain it. I had a major panic. Burst into tears. Something about needles in my boob that does that to me. Especially as I just thought I was only going in for a mammogram! No mammogram because I'd had one in January for something different. Some tenderness. But was given the all clear. So, I rang my mum immediately. "GET DOWN HERE NOW" I demanded. "I NEED YOU".
So the needle is in. "Oh, it doesn't seem to be a cyst because nothing is draining from it" said the woman sticking a needle in my boob. "OK. We'll biopsy it". They did a core biopsy. Went back upstairs to see the doctor. "Come back in a week for the results".
Friday 28th August 2009
So, 48 hours ago. "It's not good news". That's most of what I remember. And "It's cancer". Much of what happened during the rest of that meeting was a daze. I was in shock. I genuinely thought they would tell me it was a fibrous benign lump.
Why did I think that? Why do I still think there's a chance a mistake has been made? I'm only 36. I breast fed my kids for 8 months for goodness sake. Doing that's supposed to protect you against shit like this. It's ridiculous!
So I go home. I speak to friends and family. First person I phoned was my ex-husband. We have remained friends since our divorce and I just burst out into tears. Only lasted for about 20 seconds but was a necessary release I suppose. Then told the rest of the family and my friends. Ok, let's face it, it seems that EVERYBODY knows somebody whose had cancer. My cousin's wife even had Breast Cancer two years ago. So I spoke to her. She was very matter of fact about it all. "Yes, I just told them to cut it out". "Stay positive" she said. A very much 'just get on with it and deal with it' attitude. Don't get me wrong, that is me down to a 'T' usually. If there's something to be done, I don't think too much, I just get on and do it. This is different though. This is different.
Trying to grab on to my usual 'get things done' mode, I researched the internet and friends and found an oncologist. Went to see her straight away. She arranged for a Mammogram and Ultrasound straight away. Will go back on Wednesday to see her for the results and a plan of action I suppose.
Saturday 29th August 2009
Yesterday I didn't do anything. I stayed in my dressing gown and watched telly ALL day. It wasn't till 11pm that I finally got off my arse and had a bath. I've been feeling sorry for myself too. Then I've been feeling guilty about that because it seems that everybody else who's had it 'just gets on with it'. Is that my perception? Was it really no big deal for them? I mean, they're all ok now. So I feel bad that this is affecting me like it is. Especially as I am usually a 'take the bull by the horns' type of gal.
Sunday 30th August 2009
I have spent the last two days having so many conversations with people. Everybody's been fantastic. So much concern and sympathy from everybody. Everybody telling me how they're here for me. The only thing is that I'm feeling exhausted from it all. Is that selfish? Everybody's being so nice, but after two days, I just feel like I need a rest from it all.
I just don't know where I am. I can't remember what day it is half the time. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to speak to anybody. Then I want to see everybody. Then I don't. Then the 'maybe it's a mistake' thoughts pop into my head. Frequently. Then I'll find myself teary eyed. Then I'll ignore it and distract myself with more telly. So last night, I started surfing and found this web site. RELIEF.
When I got divorced 2 years ago, it turned my life upside down. Extremely traumatic. Although my ex and I are friends now, we had a very acrimonious divorce. So I found a site and blogged for about a year. I ended up with a crowd of 'regular' readers who were very supportive. It was extremely cathartic.
So when I found this site I felt relief. The first for 48 hours. More relief. I have found an outlet. Relief. Happier now I've finished this post...
