It started last night. My hair started to come out. I know I'm usually very descriptive, but not about this bit. So we'll just say 'body' hair. My hair has always been extremely precious and I suddenly find myself incredibly shy about the whole subject. It came completely out of the blue. Body hair coming out before head hair. Totally unexpected. It hadn't occurred to me that it would happen in that order. Tried to tell myself that it's ok. I haven't really got an issue with my body hair coming out. So I tried to tell myself that I could therefore cope with it. It worked for about 10 seconds. It's not the body hair. It's what it leads to. What it means. It means that the hair on my head will be next. I burst into tears. Started panicking. I just kept thinking about my head hair. It will follow. Soon.
I have been told that just before the hair falls out, the scalp goes all 'tingly'. So far, my head has been 'itchy' but not tingly. Until yesterday afternoon. Weird sensation all over my head. The slightest touch, or 'stroke' causes a kind of 'prickly' feeling. Imagine a cat's fur up on end. It's the most bizarre feeling. Just more corroboration that it's going to fall out.
All evening, I'm terribly upset. Usually I can keep it in, when my kids are around. But last night, I was inconsolable. Boyfriend's arm around me. My head buried into his neck. Sobbing. My kids saw. I'm not proud of this. I'm mortified actually. As far as they're concerned, I've been 'sailing' through this pretty well. But last night. I just couldn't hold it in. Everything I've done to prepare for this particular side effect seems to be valueless right now.
I've had my hair cut from half way down my back to a short back and sides with a longish, floppy fringe thing. This I did to prepare. I bought a wig. To prepare. Ordered headscarves, which arrived this week. All to prepare. It doesn't matter though. None of it matters. None of it means I can escape finding hair on my pillow in the morning, or finding handfuls of it wrapped in my fingers. So now my 'short' haircut, is suddenly too long. I can run my fingers through the my hair. That means it's too long. "Why don't I shave it for you?" suggests my boyfriend. "NO" I yell before he's even finished the sentence. "NO. I can't cope with that". More crying. Thinking.
May be I could go really short. Not shave it, but like a Grade 4 or something...
"May be I could do a Grade 4 on the clippers" I repeat out loud. "OK" he said. "MAYBE" I said.
Need to think about this more. Can't decide. Can't decide. Don't know if I'm brave enough.
Woke up this morning. Head feeling very 'prickly' still. Had slept in a head scarf just in case it started. Had to put the wig on to take the kids to school. Worried about taking the scarf off. Pulled it off. No hair in the scarf.
Phew! A few more hours to decide what to do.
Get home. Wig off. Looking at my hair. Right. Going to put a scarf on for the rest of the day. Let the boyfriend deal with it tonight. Scarf on. Looks OK.
Now, if any hair falls out, I won't have to deal with it.
Well, another thought of mine which worked for about 10 seconds. My head is so 'prickly' that it's impossible to 'escape' thinking about the inevitable. Burying my head in the headscarf wasn't working. Burst into tears. More panic. Phoned my boyfriend. He was perfect. Understanding. Supportive. But I was too far gone. Pacing up and down. I realise I have a massive headache. Phoned a friend who's been through this. She said she wore a 'wig cap' during her 'fallout'. It's something that goes under the wig. It's like a stocking. But strong and tight to the head. It 'catches' the misery that is happening and then you can tip it into the loo to empty it. When I got my wig, I remember getting a wig cap. Searching the house. Can't find it anywhere. Losing my mind now. Had a thought. My aunt's a hairdresser. Where's the phone.
"Hello?" she answered. "I need your help" I managed. My sobbing was relentless. I explained what I needed. "Don't worry" she said "I'll call the guy and get a couple in for this afternoon" she said. Head still banging. It's 11.30am. Need to kill some time. Need to stop crying. Bed.
2.30pm. Arrive at my Aunt's. Crying as I walk through the door. Big hug offered and gladly taken. Wig caps on the table. Still crying though. Trying to explain that I can't deal with handfuls of hair. Telling her that I know I need to cut it or something but that I'm not sure if I'm brave enough. "Come on" she said. Through to her 'salon' room. "Ok" I said. "Let's try a grade 4" I suggested.
Fuck it. Nothing could be worse than essentially having been hysterical all morning.
"But away from the mirror" I demanded. The result of this hair cut was one I did not want to see. Cut finished. Leant back a little to see the back of my head in the mirror. It was AWFUL. I recoiled. Put my hands on my head reluctantly. Mmm. Short. Like my boyfriend's. Ok. Try the mirror again. This time straight on. Not pretty. Look like my brother now. Getting used to the idea of this all now.
If I'm gonna do it, I may as well do it...
"Let's try a grade 3" I said. Grade 3 done. Another look. "OK, let's go to grade 2" I continued. Grade 2 done. Not much difference really. "Let's leave it at a grade 2" suggested my aunt. "OK" I agreed.
In her kitchen. Having a cup of tea. Shoulders started to relax. Feeling a lot calmer. Like a big burden has been lifted off. Put my wig back on. Chin wagged for a bit. Then felt like I was ready to go home. Big hug. Lots of thanks. Drove home. Feeling completely different to my journey there. Not sad anymore.
Got home. Itchy from all the hair in my clothes. Hot bath. Nice. After, I watched the water drain down the plug hole. Very small bits of hair left in the bath. Showered round the bath. All gone. Easy.
Ok, now I know what it will look like when it starts to fall out. I can cope with that. It will all just slide down the plug hole. No blockages. It will just disappear.
Wig cap on. Head scarf on. That's how it will be from now on. Cap and scarf on round the house. Cap and wig on in out in public. Job done.
What a journey though...
