Had a lot to deal with over the last couple of weeks. An old Uni friend (now living in Australia) telephoned me last night. He hadn't seen me blog anything new for a couple of weeks. He was worried about me. Wanted to see if I was ok - thank you J :-). I realised I'd been 'away' for a while so thought I should make an appearance. I've just been overwhelmed with everything recently.
Where do I start? I have three blogs in my head at the moment (well, four including this one). Don't know which one to write first. They are called 'Anti-climax'; Fertility and Health Insurance. The last one is one of the biggest reasons I haven't blogged for a while. And the Fertility one actually. And today was an anti-climax. So all in all, I've been emotionally inundated. I can only compare my head to a computer hard drive that has been completely overloaded and crashed. It's taken nearly two weeks to reboot. Rebooting involved pure escapism including two weeks of crap telly - from morning till night! But better than wallowing in bed I suppose.
Rebooting also involved starting to take control again. A couple of weeks ago I had a mini-nervous breakdown in the middle of a hospital breast unit. Compare me to the 'mad raving woman' you 'steer' away from if you were walking down the street. That was me...
Friday 2nd October
Woke up. Wound had 'burst'. Seep everywhere. Again. Was supposed to be 'fixed' by the nurse. Very frightening. Utter panic took over. Had an appointment at the hospital anyway regarding fertility treatment (see Fertility Blog.... er.... yet to be written) and thought I'd go to the breast unit first. Arrived at the breast unit. Had a melt down. Part of the reason for this melt down was to do with my health insurance. But that's another blog (er... also yet to be written). So, long story short. Saw a surgeon. Checked me. Explained everything to me. Saw a breast nurse. Explained more to me. Fixed me up. Showed me what to do. Everything ok. Relayed all to a friend when I got home. Relayed my hysteria.
Shit, did I really do that? Oh dear! Oh well....
She suggested I might need some help.
Ok, admit it, you really do need help Monna!
Suggested I get in touch with a local group/charity she knows. I did. AMAZING! It's helped me start to claw back some control in my life.
So, the last couple of weeks...
Joined a 'Breast Buddies' group. Meets once a month. First session. Cried a bit. Talked a bit. Listened a lot.
Moving.
Started counselling once a week. Had first session. Cried a lot. A LOT!
Mmm...Encouraged.
Session with a physiotherapist. Walked into the room. Burst out crying (health insurance problems).
Jesus... CONTROL YOURSELF! It's enough now!
Massage on my arm, neck and back.
Relaxed. Relaxed? Like a memory from the distant past...long forgotten, but fully embraced with the utmost vigour!
Next stop: Dietician. Put me on a 'low GI diet'. To build up my health/strength for the impending chemo. Not really to lose weight.... yet. Just to get me healthy. Eating little and often and the right kinds of food. Since diagnosis, I've put on a stone. Yes, yes, I know. It's terrible. A huge amount of weight in such a short space of time. But when you give up smoking (like I did) 3 months ago, and all you want to do after diagnosis is smoke because of the stress, but you don't because it was so hard to give up, you eat instead. Chocolate. Bread. Crisps. Cake. You eat something every time you want a cigarette. Every hour or two. Chocolate's easiest. Small and quick. Like a fag. So I have eaten a lot. Ironic really, because before diagnosis, I didn't even eat a lot of chocolate (may be one bar a month). So now been on my new healthy diet for a week. Although weight loss is not the aim at the moment, I weighed myself yesterday anyway. OMG! Lost 3 pounds!!!! How funny. Not even been trying.
Motivated. In control. More positive.
Final stop: Acupuncture! It was suggested to me and I thought why the hell not! Went in with an open mind. Not sure what it's supposed to do, but I felt incredibly relaxed after.
Mmm... that relaxed feeling again. Calm.
Strange feeling all of this. Only been able to gain some control again in my life by putting 'me' first. Not something I've ever really done before. In my marriage, I put my husband first. When I had kids, I put them first. In my divorce, I put them first. Since diagnosis, I've put them first. Trying not to over burden my boyfriend either. Being strong for everybody else, left me with nothing for my self. Nothing. A vacuum.
I wouldn't have changed it. If it happened all over again, I would do the same. But perhaps I would seek help earlier. Always felt if I can't deal with it myself, then I'm weak. But got to the point where the stress was destroying me. Leaving me with nothing. Getting there though... slowly :-).
