Sunday to Monday
Watching TV - spontaneous floods of tears. Walking down the street - spontaneous flood of tears. In the theatre watching a play - spontaneous floods of tears. How is that? Diagnosed on Friday, but it took until Monday before my body gave in. And that's how it was for the next 36 hours. Random sporadic crying anywhere and everywhere.
I haven't only been upset about this thing that has infested my body, but about practicalities too. I have two young kids and although my boyfriend is incredibly supportive emotionally, financially I'm on my own. I'm a self employed driving instructor which I do part time whilst the kids are at school. It's not the sort of job you can flit in and out of depending on how you feel from one day to the next. Therefore, I will have to give up work at some point and wind down the business for several months. The thought of ramping it up again next year is exhausting as it will be like starting up all over again. I managed to call the Macmillan Benefits Helpline yesterday. The long and short of it is that it's terrible. Hardly anything to help, so things will be really difficult financially for a while.
I know it's crazy to be thinking like this. I mean, I should just be hoping to get rid of the cancer. I should be concentrating on still being here next year rather than how I'm going to start up my business again right? So I feel bad for thinking like this and get upset all over again because if it wasn't for the cancer, I wouldn't have to think about these things. So I'm thinking about the cancer again. And so on. Round and round in circles.
Don't wanna work anymore. Can't be bothered. Can't cope with it. Just wanna crawl into bed and stay there.
Tuesday
Back at work after the bank holiday. Dreaded it. But, actually, for a couple of hours, I felt normal again. That was nice. Surprising. Didn't think anything would lift me. Started to feel a bit more like my old self again. Exhausted though at bed time. I think I flaked out at about 9pm!!
Today
More work today. Told one of my students. She was lovely about it. So nice. Then back to see my Oncologist this afternoon.
The meeting was to review the mammogram and ultrasound I had done on Friday and decide which way forward we proceed. The tumour is small. 1.1x1.3x1.5cm. Too small to shrink with Chemo first, so surgery first. She [the Oncologist] has recommended a surgeon who I've heard from others is very good. Will hopefully meet him next week and have surgery at some point in the next two weeks. My oncologist said an MRI is not necessary because the tumour is small, but I could have a CT scan if I wanted to see about spread. She felt it was unlikely, but I opted to have it anyway. Peace of mind is a wonderful thing. I had the scan after my meeting with her. I was sooooooo nervous - particularly about the dye going into my arm. But is was ok. My boyfriend took the afternoon off work and came with me to the oncologist and the scan, so at least I wasn't on my own. I should get the results of the CT tomorrow...
I'm glad the surgery is first. I want to get this cut out as soon as possible. I also want to get the lump retested (still this nagging feeling that may be they made a mistake. Am I being stupid?) Also, is it strange that I'm more worried about losing my hair from the Chemo (which will be after the surgery) than losing part of my boob? I have long hair and it's taken me the last 5 years to grow long. It will take 10 years to start again from the scalp to get to this length.
The things going through my head right now....but at least I haven't cried today...
