Yesterday
Came home from work. Walked in to my lovely home which over the last couple of weeks has got into a bit of a mess. Read about some of you who have mad cleaning frenzies just before surgery. Nesting. Read about it last week when I was still in shock from the diagnosis.
NESTING? I thought. Who would want to bloody nest? Who bloody cares about the house when you've got this thing inside you? But yesterday. Walked in. Went crazy. Into a frenzy. Got the kids doing the bathroom. I did the tidying and the dinner. Boyfriend even did the hoovering and dusting. 2 hours later.... mmmmmmm..... clean and tidy house. OK. I get the nesting thing.
Today
Where's it all gone? Where's the me that I've been for the last week? First four days after diagnosis: in complete shock and massively depressed. Then, back to work after bank holiday weekend: really perked up. Like my old self. Been like that for a week. Felt great.
Last student today at lunch time. Then, nothing to do. No more work. No more distractions. Depression creeping back in. Drove around a bit. Went to the Citizens Advice Bureau for some financial advice. That will do it. Something to distract me. OK, for about an hour it did. Back in my car. Got to meet my kids' school bus to collect them. Waiting. Bus is later than usual. Nothing to do but think. Depression creeps back in further. Tears in my eyes. Stop it. Feeling sorry for myself again. Stop it. Bus arrives. Distraction back. Have to take kids to my ex husband's house. Lots of traffic. Good. Makes the drive longer. Using up more time.
Using up time. Describes my afternoon. Segments of time to use up. Between now and tomorrow morning it's all going to be about segments of time. Those segments where I can distract myself and those where I've exhausted absolutely everything I can possibly do, and where the depression and nerves hit me. Getting quite nervous. Meeting the surgeon tomorrow AM.
Going out tonight. Two of my closest friends taking me out to dinner. Will be good I suppose. Don't feel like socialising, but it will use up a nice segment of time. Then just have to go to bed. Been careful not to take too many Temazepam's this week, so I could have one tonight. Have a feeling I won't sleep. Nerves really setting in. It's only a meeting tomorrow, but I'll find out when the op's going to be. Shit. It's real again. It's real now.
