Well my lovely MacFamily I apologise for my absence and lack of support for you all but I'm afraid the grief monster got a strangle hold on me and I have been hiding in my shell for weeks unable to face the world's horrific realities and sadness that permeates everything I do, touch, or experience. Never in a million years did I think that I would be so badly affected, thinking rather illogically that I was prepared. Was I ever so wrong! But now I need to write down the final hours of my beautiful brothers life as in the words of Magnus, "I've started, so I'll finish".
On Saturday 10th March 2012 I woke up around 9am after having had a very troubled night. My friend Denise called to take me to the hospice but somehow I just couldn't face going straight away so we went over to Costa Coffee for an hour. Chatting with Dee really put me at ease and after drinking a huge cup of coffee she dropped me at the hospice.
When I went into Gordy's room he was sleeping peacefully. Mam and Dougy had slept in the room with him and Alex and her partner Danny had slept in the relatives room. They all left to go home and shower and get clean clothes. My niece Laura and her mam Alma arrived along with Claire, Michael and Janine a few minutes later. Gordy was very, very still. His breathing had quickened and was a little laboured and I could see his heart beating through his ribs so fast I thought it would burst through.
Dougy and Mam came back and Alex arrived a little later and we all settled down drinking copious amounts of coffee and tea and eating rubbish snack food. We reminisced all afternoon and the laughter coming from the room was so loud that Dougy said he could hear us down the other end of the corridor and around the corner when he went to the loo. Laura it seems has inherited our Dougy's gift of telling stories with a wit that has you crying with laughter. It was a little surreal. How could we be laughing so much when my precious brother was lying in front of us breathing his last breaths. Alex later said she had felt as though we were all waiting for him to get better.
Laura took Alma home and Michael and Claire left at around 8pm. Alex and Danny decided to go and get some more clean clothes and left around 9.00pm and I decided to go to the relatives room to get a couple of hours sleep so I could take over from Mam and Dougy later that night. I went to the little bedroom the hospice provides and laid down but could not sleep even though I was more tired than I think I had ever been.
After what seemed like hours Janine came flying through the door saying, "Aunty Nin you have to come now". I jumped up and my legs gave way underneath me and I couldn't find my shoes or bag or say anything. Janine bless her held me up and we ran back to Gordy's room. Just as I got to the side of his bed and touched his shoulder my beautiful brother's heart stopped beating and he took his last breath at 9.45pm. I whispered "get on the train Gordy, Dad's waiting for you", and then I sat and held his hand for a long, long time. No-one could speak, we just cried enough tears to fill a river. One of the nurses brought in a pot of tea. Why is it that we British think a cup of tea can cure all woes? What I really wanted was an extremely large brandy, and another, and another, and another until I had obliterated all reason from my mind but that wasn't going to happen.
After about 15 minutes the strangest thing happened. All the pain left Gordy's face and the black circles that had been ever-present around his eyes for months just disappeared. He looked so young again and was free from his pain.
I can not write anymore as my tears are blinding me again.
I promise to try and come back soon to give out some support to you lovely people.
Much love and huge squidgy hugs.
Nin xxxxx
