Over the past couple of months I have been planning my return to work and finally got the last sign off yesterday. This is something I have been pushing for in my quest to get back to normality but now it is getting close, I confess to being a little apprehensive. I am due back on 1 August and that is only a few days away...
After such a long time, most of which was spent not having the energy or inclination to do very much I do wonder how I will cope! I am only doing 3 hours a day for 2 or 3 days a week for the first couple of weeks, increasing my hours/days over a long period of time until I am doing my contracted hours. When putting together the plan, I thought at the time that it wasn’t enough. Now I realise it is not just being at work, it is reconnecting with my work colleagues, understanding the changes - I work in IT for a large FSA company and change was constant and fast when I was full time, not just technology but rules, laws and regulations that IT had to comply with and often time bound - and being once again thrust into a hectic and challenging role. The role was always mentally challenging, knowing there could be financial or reputational damage for the company if my decision making wasn’t sound or project timelines and milestones were missed. Looking back at my return to work plan now, I am relieved that I will be easing very gently into my role and full time hours!
I haven’t shed a tear, not one, since diagnosis and part of me wonders whether I have bottled up all of those emotions and at some point when I am back doing the things I was doing pre diagnosis the top will come off! I am always good in a crisis but have been known to turn into a shaky mess once the crisis is over. I know that my work colleagues will be there for me if that happens but I certainly do not relish the thought of having a meltdown anywhere, let alone amongst my colleagues. I am not someone who cries...in fact I can’t remember the last time I had a good bawl. What I do know is thatI am an ugly crier! Red puffy eyes, snotty nose, the whole works! Nope, don’t want to do that in front of anyone
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Que sera, sera.
