I've just logged in here after an emotion-packed weekend to find that a number of people have commented on my blog. I'm really touched and grateful - knowing I'm not alone and there are fellow fighters/family members standing with me gives me strength. Thank you.
Mum arrived on Friday to find me still in bed. In all honesty I was feeling a bit too sorry for myself. She let me be for a while, but then gently encouraged me to get up. As expected, we had a cry, but then talked calmly. She's determined to be strong and positive for me.
Friday afternoon we went out - ended up at the supermarket and then had a cup of coffee. Although I felt exhausted, the distraction of being out, even doing such mundate things as that, took my mind off things and helped snap me out of being sorry for myself.
LESSON LEARNED - I have to keep my mind occupied with - well, whatever. Just any old rubbish that I can think about to distract me from thinking scary thoughts.
A arrived Friday night - more tears. He still wants to be with me, despite this. That may seem an odd thing to say, but the bigger picture is that I'm his second wife (to be) and that his first wife died of.....yes, cancer (lung). I didn't want him to stay with me because he felt he HAD to, and in fairness to him I couldn't ask him to stay. He had to decide to stay because he WANTED to.
Well, he does. He's told me he's not going anywhere, he will be by my side. And I've told him I'm not going anywhere, either!!
The rest of the weekend was spent talking (the 3 of us), resting (me) and just being together. I felt very tired but I think that was down to the recency of the diagnosis - it kinda knocked me for six.
LESSON LEARNED - I have to stop being so strong and independent, and let people help me!! Also I must not push myself too hard - if my body says "rest", I rest.
I have an appointment for a CT scan this Wednesday and my first (introductory) appointment at the Christie Hospital on Thursday. Bizarrely I'm looking forward to it - it means that treatment is starting soon. I know it won't be easy but it WILL make me better and get rid of The Drittsekk once and for all.
Jacqui x
PS I'm going to "grade" how I'm feeling each day, 1 being really bad, 10 being good and strong. Today is a 9 :-)
