I can't really describe how I'm feeling today. 2 main factors are contributing to this state of weirdness.
The wedding rings arrived this morning and they're beautiful. We've chosen Elvish Love Rings - i.e, gold bands with inscriptions in Elvish [we're both HUGE Lord of the Rings fans!]. The inscription says:
One Ring to show our love
One Ring to bind us
One Ring to seal our love
Forever to entwine us.
[A romantic twist on the rather more sinister inscription on the Ring Of Power in the films!!!]
And the other factor is that I feel tired. Low energy. I'm pretty convinced it's tail-end effects from the treatment, but I'm going to get it checked out, just to be sure. I've spoken to a couple of folks who've been through it/had family members go through it, and they've all said the same i.e. that it takes months for energy levels to return to something approaching normality.
I'm back to work 5 days per week, doing 9 - 3, with a 1 hour commute each way on top of that. This past couple of days I've been beating myself up, thinking I should be doing more. But I just can't seem to manage even one more hour til 4pm.
I've always been the same though - trying to do too much. Standards too high. Silly story that's just popped into my head - I remember trying to write an essay for A level English at the very start of the 2 year course and my mum finding me in floods of tears because my essay wasn't [what I thought should be] A level standard!! She rightly pointed out that I'd only just passed O level and had 2 YEARS to work towards A level standard - but to me it was a HUGE deal that I wasn't A level standard.
Work aren't putting me under any pressure. They wanted me back 5 days per week fairly quickly but now that's done they're OK for me to take it at my pace.
It's me that's putting me under pressure.
But then how do I know where I should be in the recovery process? And I have to have goals, I can't just drift along. It's good to be working towards something.
Sometimes it's good to be determined and bloody minded and sometimes it's not. I have to try to be kind to myself!
Jacqui x
