The upcoming biopsy results are on my mind.
It's 50/50 - either it's dead or it's alive.
Of course I want it to be dead. For the chemo and radio to have worked. To remain on a cycle of MRI's and results for the next few months and years. For me to be able to give good news to all the people who have supported me through this.
It's also the easy option as regards timing, too. My wedding's in November so of course it would be sooooo much simpler for me to be able to continue to plan, prepare, book things etc.
But there's just as much chance that it's still alive - meaning a radical hysterectomy and possible stoma bag.
I've thought and thought about this and I know - and accept - that if that's what it takes to get rid of the Drittsekk, that's what I'll do. That doesn't mean I WANT the outcome to be an op, but simply that if the surgeon tells me on Thursday that I have to go through an op, then I'm ready.
But then I go into timings. When is it likely to be? [no idea] What's the timescale for recovery? [also no idea] Is it likely that if it's done before the wedding, I'll be recovered enough to cope on the day? [no way of knowing] Or do I wait until after the wedding? Would it even be safe to wait a couple of months til after November, or should I have it done regardless?
I've made the Registrar aware and she's been brilliant, so I doubt there'd be any problem if I needed a chair during the ceremony. And all the guests know the situation so they'd be supportive and understanding.
I'm trying ever so hard to stop my thoughts going round and round my head, but in my quiet moments, there they are. That's why I'm blogging here tonight, to try and release them from my head and on to the screen.
I am hoping so much that it's dead, but am also psyched up and ready to deal with the implications if it's alive. I just want to know.
Jacqui x
