A couple of days ago I went for my radiotherapy mark up at the Christie. Once it was all done, they told me the radio and chemo would start w/c 19 April.
I've just had a phone call saying they're able to bring my start date forward to next Monday, 12 April.
So why do I feel mixed emotions when all I should feel is happy?
Don't get me wrong, I'm delighted they can start a week sooner. I've already accepted the appointment. The sooner they start zapping the Drittsekk out of me, the better.
Yet part of me feels scared. Maybe it's because it's finally happening and the reality is sinking in? [So far it's "only" been scans and tests etc but this is Serious Now]. Maybe it's because I thought I had a week to psych myself up for it, rather than a couple of days?
I'll be going into work on Monday as usual [the appointment is late afternoon] to leave everything as tidy as I can, make the Formal Announcement and say a temporary cheerio to my colleagues. The thought of the emotions that will entail is making me feel sad and scared, too. But it has to be done.
I can only really describe it as feeling Ready, But Not Ready. I don't even know if that makes any sense.
Maybe this bit's like the dentist's waiting room. Once I'm there, in the chair, it'll be fine - bring it on!!! It's just that last few moments waiting that's the tough bit.
Jacqui x
