I must have been searching for ages , all i wanted to do was add an update to my blog.....how long can it take...... how emotional am i feeling right now.....must have something to do with it. sometimes the easiest things are the hardest especially when your eyes are filled with something that resembles tears but yet there is nothing to cry about ( no i am not pre menstrual, had that last week ) i think this is all to do with this bloody disease. I will try to explain what has happened this week and how i feel but i apologise in advance in case some of you think i am ungrateful.
I have spent the last 6 months waiting, waiting for doctors, tests, biopsies and results. Durring this time my mind has played out the possible results of what could be, not a good thing i know, and trying to accept the deck of cards that i had been dealt. Pain aside the incredible stress i put myself under and my family as well, all lead to me not being able to function, yes i could get up manage my home but couldnt manage going to work as my job involves health questionnaires at certain points that talks about cancer etc and i got to the point where i would just start to cry, not a professional look by any standards.
Anyway, i went to the hospital on Wednesday and sat there with amazing hubbie. We got called in and hubbie took my things and i was left in a large room with consultant, two nurses and not a theatre but an examination room. Was asked to put a gown over my clothes and lie down. for those of you who like Holby my surgeon is like the american Micheal but totally devoid of a personality. I mentioned my worries and he brushed them off he didnt want to discuss anything other than get on with the job in hand. Now this is supposed to be amazing surgury, MOHS is supposed to be ground breaking etc but to be honest i would give anything to go for a wide excision no questions aked and to have been put out for what followed next was nothing short of a nightmare.
I layed down and he tried to put local anesthetic in my nose, yes this part of the op is not done whilst asleep.....the pain is nothing short of shooting all over and then he says ok.... nurse tries to hold my hand but i am aware i might break it if i allow my pain and emotions through. so he slices away and i yelp and my legs go flying and he realises that he did nt give me enough...
10 ,inutes later i am escorted back to hubbie to await the results of the skin slice and hubbie looks on in horror as his wife is marched into a waiting room white as white and shaking from head to toe and even nurses look concerned !!!! Hence tea etc and blankets, bit late shouldnt care start from the moment you arrive.
An hour later i am told its clear op cancelled for following day oh and why am i not happy cause most patients are so happy to get the news.
I have all my life been told i am a chatter box from school onwards, even my clients have a hard time, maybe thats why they love me cause i take the pressure off them. But for once in my life i was totally speechless and not for good or bad resons. I cannot explain what went through my head, dont get me wrong i am pleased i didnt need a new nose but does that mean i am waking up after a bad nightmare or just enetering a good dream and how do i shake off the experience i have just been through ?
Does that mean that everything i have felt has been a lie for the last few months..... will work realise what and how i felt and that i wasnt lying, do family really understand that this was a real experience. yes i have cancer but does everyone feel i am a fake because i got of lightly...... so many questions and yet all i can do is cry and be angry and yet i am not sure what i am angry at, this bloody wrotten disease for taking up the last 6 months of my life. I went to the shops yesterday and laughed when i saw christmas stuff surely easter comes before christmas. oh yes i missed that god does this disease really pass so many months of your life unaccounted for......
I feel so ungrateful for such a good outcome and yet still some tests to go......I still feel like my results have been mixed up and that i might be walking around with what i believe is there.....Is this normal...... all i know is that thsi horible disease has left me with nothing but awful memories. Actually thats not true because being on here has shown me the kindest, nicest and considerate family i have ever known and without them i would never have got this far.
I am so sorry, without even reading back i know its depressive but i need to put it down and in the words of my bid sis, ' anyone that made it this far deserves a prize' so drinks are on me.....
