I really want to pour my heart out on this one as i have had an awful couple of days but at the same time i know that is not fair on anyone who wants to look at this i just feel i need to write it down as it might make more sense.
All i can say is that last night i feel like i had an emotional melt down and i am not really sure where it came from but i know one thing i never want to be like that again. My poor hubbie wasat the receiving end of it and he had done nothing wrong. It has been a few months of worry and emotional turmoil and other stresses as well that have all added up to me feeling like i was the one trying to keep things in order when all i really wanted was for someone to take some of the responsibilty of everything else of my shoulders and look after me not me looking after everyone else emotionally and financially.
The one thing i have also realised is that i am possibly having side effects from coming of the tramadol, ive been on it since july and have been having cold sweats aching bones stomach ache and dizzy spells and maybe i should now add raging anger and yet it is so not like me, i scared myself last night and now cant sleep. Hubbie and i hardly ever argue as neither of us can bear the awkward silence after so god knows how we will feel in the morning.
So i am supposed to be going back to work today but now i ask myself am i really ready emotionally let alone physically, has last night shown me that i need to comfort myself for a little longer or am i putting of the inevitable. Company pay is coming to an end but i do have some holiday which i could take and give me a few weeks grace.
I am just so confused i know i cant just forget the last few months and still waiting on biopsy results but i am optomistic that they will be fine and that once my surgury heals i will be over the worst. Its just how do you know you are ready togo back to work last night showed me maybe not or do i just get on with it, im so tired its awfull how this disease effects you emotionally and in my case more so than phsycially my heart goeas out to those of you who have it so much worse than i do and also makes me feel so guilty about how i feel. I said to a friend on saturday i wish i could give myself a kick and get some enthusiasm and energy back into my life. Dont get me wrong its not all doom and gloom i do have good days and moments that i enjoy.
Well i have a couple of hours to make up my mind but i think i might call the gp and see if i can get some councilling and think about work another day, and yet then i feel guilty about letting my manager down at the last minute but then i dont want to go in all down, people will expect me to be my old happy funny scatty self..............
Oh well , time for a cup of tea and if you have read this i am sorry and yet thank you for taking the time, hopefully i will be back to normal soon xxxx
