today i am missing my mum so much! i still get up every day and have to remind myself that shes not downstairs or pottering about in the kitchen! i went to the marie curie hospic the other day - where my mum spent the last 2 months of her life - to hand in a donation. it felt awful, seeing the people, receptionists, place where my mum had been! i just wanted to run up to the 2nd floor and see her! nothings the same without my mum here! i would actually give anything to have her back in my life. sometimes i think about and just feel as if she was given up on. maybe i shouldv asked more questiong, or demanded further treatment? thats what i alwasy think about, they stopped my mums chemo last december after a very positiv scan sayign she didnt need it anymore, but obviously she needed something? my mum never got sick or tired or anything on chemo, she handled it so well! in a way i feel th steroid made her really ill, of course they do that to people, but she had osteoperosis due to them, no muscle mass, and generally put on so much weight! they tried to bring her down off them, and she tolerated it on 1mg/dex per day until just before the hospice they shot them back up - no idea why.. we never got a reason! and then things started to go downhill! my mum was my best friend, befor she took unwell we had our moments, but no matter what she always loved me so much! i was a typical tenager and put her through a bit of hell when i was growing up, and when she took unwell i just used that tiem to make it up to her! i was my mums full time carer, and i loved it! although it was difficult at times for her to see her "wee girl" caring for her, it really made us bond even more! we would have fun picking out nice clothes (well as nice as she could get for her size, as she had ballooned from a size 8 to a 16), putting on make up, doing hair, and we even made getting a bath etc fun! it was just my mums way! it meant so much to my mum to look good and classy, that she found it so difficult when she started to loose her figure etc. clothes were her passion! and she loved nothing more than a vintage dress, or a lovelyclassic suit! she would always say "when i get better and can fit into my old clothes", it was upsetting to hear! because i knew there was a chance it would never happen, but i couldnt take away that hope! she was so positive and really focused on getting better! i hate this illness, and dont think it cab ne just in anyway! my mum epsecially did not desrve this, she was so full of life! i miss her more and more each day, when normally she would be the one to comfort me i have to turn to others for help, and its just now fair!
