it’s a bit of a shock when one first receives the good news but, as
I’m sure many others have felt, an immediate reaction is huge relief and
pleasure that one has it oneself, rather than one of one’s children. That’s what
I felt anyway.
I still feel a little short changed that I never cried, tho I did
attempt it on several occasions; I could easily have done a couple of times but,
inevitably, in company/place that made it inappropriate.
A really big help was my habit of going out and walking or cycling (will one
day make that a separate blog) in the night; the night after I was told was
wonderful golden moonlight and walking in the very small hours, 2am or so, in
quiet country lanes so soothed the psyche. So I thought especially calmly of
what I’d learned just 11 hours earlier, translated maximum 3 yrs given into
weeks and worried that at the end of the first week I’ld start counting
down….149, 148, etc. I didn’t. I haven’t. All in balance well within that
time.
I still walk in the early hours, and am soothed by it. But no time to think
calmly as I have now at every opportunity to do facial/verbal exercises to hold
the left, sad, side of my face (it’s all in and behind it) in some form and
function. Shame, but the excercises are so beneficial.
The really therapeutic thing however was that most of my relatives took it
worse than I did. So I had to get to work to reassure them. And, one really
can’t spend 3 years saying goodbye!
And, very quickly, one learns that the big thing is neither here nor there.
It’s the smaller, the side issues/effects that do torment. And bring home how
very much more important is Quality than Length of Life.
The other really troublesome thing is uncertainty. One, 2nd
opinion, hospital, because they couldn’t raise it on their scans, decided I
didn’t have cancer …….. but, weren’t certain, so spent some time bouncing me in
and out of the jaws of death, which became a little wearing. Such a relief when
it was decided that the first hospital had been right along!
….all of which makes quite a lot of blog. I really wanted to ask if
others have experienced/felt any of the same things ??
keats
>>>>>>>>>> in case anyone wants more,
other reactions >>>>>>>>>>
One thinks of the end and the effects on one’s children. I began
immediately to clear out my loft and parts of my house, full dustbin every week,
and lots for the charity shops, so that they wouldn’t have too great a task when
I do go. And found it hugely liberating; being a man who now lives alone, it’s
difficult not to hoard.
All the books I’ld like to reread. I’m reading hard, and finding
that I get more out of, most of, them for knowing it’s the last time, tho some I
put aside to squeeze in one final romp through
I’m sure I’m not the only one of us who had mused, sometimes to
others, on how convenient it would be to know, at least roughly, how long one
would live and then, ruefully remember it shortly after the wish has been
granted; and, in surprisingly little time, come to realise that there really is
something in it; logistically it’s an awfully big help
‘the smaller, the side issues/effects that do torment’ have in some
cases been utterly horrible and given me long periods of distress. But, one
quickly becomes used to managing (in many ways, living alone helps) as best one
can; and it’s amazing how one bounces up once whatever is over, even if left
with a twisted face!
I had felt, for five years, a conviction that I deserved something
of this sort. In ’04 I had thyroid cancer……..in fact, I had it all through ‘02/3
as well, but enjoyed misdiagnosis at the first hospital to which I was referred.
I enjoyed a great deal of sympathy, indulgence, all that the word cancer
generates and, because it’s such an easy cancer (though having my throat cut
twice wasn’t holiday all the way) I felt a total fraud. And, once cured, that
proper cancer was waiting. I wasn’t disappointed!
I had then 2 grandsons, one will be two tomorrow, the other was then
unsuspected but he’s 12 weeks old today. I was sad to know that they would grow
up not remembering me. But now, watching the decline, very pleased that they
won’t remember me in the state I’ll be by ‘the end’
‘the end’ occurs once only. One might as well be interested. I am,
and I will be.
For now, I continue unbothered by it. I take pleasure in being
bright and cheery, in appreciating Macmillan and Maggie’s people, my relations,
terrific medical team, and all the things that help to make me bright. I hope
that a lot of others feel the same way.
