From the start dad knew he was facing a massive fight, with two primary cancers, both of which are big killers, it was never going to be easy. His objective - get to Chritmas and he did.
We brought him home from hospital on Thursday last week, late morning it was. We settled him in. He had a hospital bed, hoist and wheelchair. We all had a little sleep after we'd been to the chippy. We talked a lot that night, he said that he wanted to be buried, in a 3 man grave so mum can join him and if i'm ever alone when my time comes, there is space for me. He said he would always be with me and I can talk to him anytime, that the only difference will be that I won't be able to see him. We felt at peace. The oncologist cannot hurt us anymore, our journey was nearly over, there would be no more surprises, not more complications, just the final stretch ahead. Dad seemed in good spirits that night. Christmas eve we had the family round and had a nice day. Dad was very tired and didn't seem his normal happy self. He sent us all on his way quite early and took to his bed. He texted us all and said that he was in bed and comfortable. Christmas day he didn't get up much, he wasn't eating and mum said that she thought he had given up. Boxing day we again had the family around but dad only managed to be up for a couple of hours.
I got a text from mum at 5.30am on 27th December saying that she'd rang the doctor has he had a temperature and his breathing was really rattling. It had been a little bit like that over the previous two days but once he was up he seemed to improve. The district nurse who came every day said just to keep an eye on his temperature. A doctor came at 6.30am and prescribed antibiotics and gave us a prescription for something to help his breathing. I went to find a chemist and it was Buscopan. We have this at home in injection form for the district nurse so I rang her to come and help him. She arrived around 10am. By this time he seemed really distressed, his pulse was very fast, his eyes were rolling and he didn't know who we were or where he was. Not all the time, but in stages. She said it was lack of oxygen that was making him delirious. She explained that he had developed an aggressive infection and there were 2 choices, either treat at home with oral antibiotics or call an ambulance, go through A&E and have intravenous antibiotics, but she thought the infection was taking hold and time was of the essence. Dad was adamant he wasn't going to hospital. She said she was going to give him something to calm him down, relax him. She said that he was going to die and it would be today, to ring anyone who needs to be here. Just before his injection I held his hand, kissed him, told him I loved him and he kissed my hand. I said the nurse was going to give him something to relax him and it was going to be ok. I left him with mum for her to say goodbye. After the sedative his breathing slowed right down, mum held his hand and I stood behind mum. My sister had gone to put the kettle on and after 4 slow, deep breaths, he took his last. We could not believe it was so fast. Even the nurse was shocked. But dad had planned his last hour, he had said numerous times that he didn't want things drawn out, that we sit round his bed for hours, days waiting for him to go, he was adamant. As soon as he knew he was going to stay in his bed and we had said goodbye he knew it was time. He wanted to get through Christmas and he had done that.
I feel so incredibly proud of dad, the final 6 months of his life were the hardest, he was battling with two primary cancers, both of which were spreading. He had 4 major things happen to him that he embraced, even one of those would be life changing for anyone. But the loss of the use of his legs hit him hard, all he wanted was to stand up once more to hug my mum, but he never got the chance. He was home for 5 days. It seems so unfair, but the last couple of months particulary were so very hard for him, yet he carried on, kept on smiling right up until the end.
I know dad will be with me always - althought I cannot feel that now. I do know that if I walk down the same ugly road, I will walk in my dad's footsteps knowing he is holding my hand and waiting for me. I feel very proud to call him my dad and i will miss him every single second, every single day for the rest of my life.
My lovely dad. I love you. xxx
