Hello Wims, I won't say how are you as according to that nice lady we went to see the other day you are well now and looking good again - muscles as big as Dan's eh? Sounds like you have regained your youth, of for those days again my love.
Meantime your dad has lost all his muscle, he is wasting away as you did, he's no longer the man we all knew and looked up to, we have lost that lovely man and his quick mind (ok maybe not quick so much but he was very clever and knowledable), now we have to go through that same process of seeing him lose dignity and independence that you did. Although I do like to think that right to the end you held onto your dignity, your independence was harder to maintain but you were amazing and tried so hard throughout the whole awful nightmare.
That's the problem Wims, going through this again brings it back so many times, I try hard to put away the memories of your illness, not the closeness that we shared in those months but the things that slowly broke all our hearts one piece at a time. And now of course we have to think that your mum will be following the same path, at the same time mourning the loss of her beloved man and lifelong partner, how is any of this fair? Your poor, poor sister I can't even begin to imagine how she is coping with losing all of you in such a short time, I can only wish that it is quick now and that she can get back to John and pick up the pieces of her life there and lock away the hurt somehow. I wish there was something I could do to ease it for her, I do all I can with the practical stuff at the moment, but the emotional side... well you know what I mean there is no way to take that away and I can't blunder in unasked as it wouldn't work that way either. When you send healing with the angels send love and strength to your sister, I'm sure you already do.
I look at your pictures, I talk to you but oh how I long to hold you again and feel your arms around me and your shoulder to lean on, knowing you were always here keeping us safe, making it all work. I wish there was a way I could just look into your picture and just melt into you and be with you again. No I'm not talking about leaving the kids, never ever that, I must be here for them, I want to be here for them. I have to be the doddering old granny that lives forever, not just for me and them but for you, I have to have all the tales to tell you when we meet again I have to be your representative here for now as well as my own too. Help me to guide them, I won't ever stop them living their lives but I can't bear watching some things and not stepping in. You know what I mean don't you.
Yes I long to hear your voice again, I wish I could dream of you, but those that I had weren't nearly enough, you weren't the main character, they almost sent you in as an extra - but I knew I wanted more even as I dreamed! Why can't I hear your voice anymore, why can't I remember it clearly? I'm glad we went to see the medium, the things she said about being wrapped in a hug, how could she have known exactly that? Yes it means you were there, but oh how I long to feel that hug. I love you, I always have, right from that first moment I think and I always will, how could I not. Stay close dear one, whisper in my ear as I sleep and hold me close, be there in the mornings when I wake in this empty house and please on this cold and lonely Christmas morning this year, let me know you are there - no one else will be and I can't bear it. I loved Christmas, I loved the snow, now everything feels empty. It isn't just losing you, I feel like I have lost everything that we had, my family are gone as we knew them, they should it's right that they grow and move on, but it's all happened too fast. I miss you all xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
