this is my first entry. my mum was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer last october and is currently on her second course of chemo, she does not seem to be responding, she has also has radiotherapy on most of her spine to treat tumors there. she has a visible lump on her throat which does not seem to be getting any better and i am scared that the consultant will soon say that they will stop treatment. my emotions swing from positive, seizing the moment, to utter despair and loneliness. i feel like no one can help me. my partner and i have decided to get married in january so that mum can be there. she seems to be in good spirits and its me who is falling apart. i am strong and together (often holding the family, my brothers are in denial) and then after i have seen her i just go to pieces the other day she called me to say that she had found a dress for the wedding and she was so excited, it just made me so sad but i am holding it in when around her, although we have had some heart to hearts i feel like i don't want to tell her how i feel or get sad so that she does not get sad or feel guilty about the affect it is having on me. my relationship with mum has been difficult, with me taking responsibility for her feelings but since her diagnosis we have become really close and now i am loosing her. sorry to rant but sometimes i cant believe the pain i feel and it is up and down, shock and suspense for the last 18 months.
