What i got for my 50th !!
I’d never really thought of myself as old, I always imagined I was still 18, tearing around the place, collecting great friends and making memories,
I’ve always been a chef, working in London and the Home Counties, cooking for amazing people at weddings and private parties, even travelling the world, working for a famous motorsports team, where I met fantastic people and the girl who was to become my wife,
My wife has had a lot to put up with, being a chef is a funny life, you’re almost married to the job, spending hours away from home, missing our lovely children’s birthdays, Christmases and New Years, even your own birthday and even worse your wedding anniversary, all in the pursuit of what can only be described as a blinkered view that they wouldn’t be able to cope without you, no one cooks like I do, or the customer would notice that I wasn’t running the show,
Unfortunately the reality is no one really notices or cares and would replace you in a heartbeat should you drop dead from exhaustion.
The grim reality of being a chef is that you work come rain or shine, headache, toothache, hangover, it’s ingrained in you to keep going, pain killers, caffeine, nicotine, alcohol, all in the pursuit of some crazy notion that they need you !!!
Then along comes lock down, which is different to anything we have experienced before, not like going on holiday, where you probably only relax for the middle 5 days, gearing yourself up to go back to work before you have even packed to go home, no lock down was different, you and I suppose I mean me totally and completely stopped, I went from working 65 hrs a week to spending all day at home, trying to teach!! As you can imagine a chef trying to teach a 14 year old boy fractions was not at any point harmonious, there were upsides, lots of walking with the dog, lots of home cooking and I mean lots, we cooked nearly all the time, if you have a skill use it !! My wife and i even managed to reconnect, having spent so much time apart it was amazing to be able spend some time together, it did take some getting used to, on both sides, then there was the sleeping, I don’t think I’d ever slept so much, knowing you didn’t really have to go to work was weird and your whole body relaxed !!
Which is were the trouble started, adrenaline is a wonderful thing and will help you with almost anything, the rush you get from serving 100s of people from a small hot cramped kitchen cannot be explained, it will allow you to feel no pain, like an addictive drug, being in lockdown didn’t, everything hurt, arms, legs, feet, chest and my back, but really most importantly my chest, I’d always smoked, though I had changed to menthol, in the thought that they were better for me, as lock down kicked in I changed again, this time to roll up, more for cost saving as I wasn’t earning a full wage, this was a bad idea, rolling is an art, something I couldn’t do at all, it took me longer to roll than it did to smoke, I soon lost interest, smoking is also habitual, I smoked because i worked, I wasn’t working, so didn’t need to smoke,
All the time I still had the chest pains, I struggled I must admit, lots of painkillers even taking heartburn medicine but nothing worked, i I went to a and e, couldn’t see my gp, COVID had put pay to that, a and e was quiet, really quiet, i got seen quickly, nothing wrong mr Angus, maybe a little over weight but all clear.
My wife and family think I’m trying to pull a fast one, getting out of all the chores, laying on on the sofa in supposed pain, you can’t be ill, drs say you’re fine, and I am when full of paracetamol other than that I feel dreadful,
So under duress my wife took me to a and e, again all was clear, blood test, X-ray and heart monitor, agin I’m a little bit over weight, was given gaviscone and sent home. At no point am I saying this is a drs fault, it’s just a catalogue of bad diagnoses.
Worked reopened, not fully but in a takeaway capacity, being back at work meant painkillers and adrenaline, the perfect combination to hide any pain, I did smoke a bit, but eventually stopped completely.
I still felt dreadful, cold, achy flu like symptoms, drs recommended a COVID test, so ordered one, did it and sent it back, spoke to drs again, he’s pulled my X-ray from hospital, he thinks I may have pneumonia, ace a proper diagnosis!! But I may also have COVID, the dr is really good, chase’s results and is really keen to help, he organises a scan, I feel so ill I’m admitted to hospital, but there really is nothing wrong, 8 hours of tests and I’m sent home.
The scan does however reveal something, sarcoidosis, a lung infection, which with a little bit of help can be sorted, what joy, i will finally begin to feel better, just to make sure the specialist organises more tests, so back to hospital for a broncoscopy, lungs checked and samples taken,
Still feeling dreadful and waiting test results I am 50, possibly the quietest birthday I’ve ever had, the house is full of people, it’s like a revolving door of visitors, all the time I’m on painkillers and having real trouble staying awake, people are good, very understanding I’ve known them all a long time, I’m not usually sick.
The results are in, letter says come on the 14th, great 2 weeks, can’t be anything serious, then, bit of a worry, they’ve rung , we are sat in the waiting room a week earlier than expected, we watch couples go through, the guys before us are out but taken to a quiet room by a nurse, lots of tears, our turn next, I try to make a joke with the specialist, have had to bring the wife, I never ask the right questions, he doesn’t flinch, I’m funny, I really am.
We go through into the office, the same nurse from the previous couple is sat there, she looks sheepish, I feel sick, my wife cries, the dr breaks the news, it’s far worse than he thought, it’s not sarcoidosis, there are cancer cells in my lymph nodes, it’s serious, can’t be operated on, the rest is really white noise, I don’t really hear what’s said, the wife is crying, dr is apologetic but I don’t really hear him, I thank him and we we leave, not only did I thank him, I apologised for him having to tell me the news, we go to the quiet room with the nurse, Kells cries, I’m numb, still all white noise !!
Kells says the nurse was great, could have done with more time with her, we walk to the car and go home
I’m 50 and one week and I have lung cancer, i told you I was sick !!
My default is to go to work, literally like nothing has happened, I tell my boss, who is shocked, not only at my news but the way I’m telling him, like it’s just a minor bump in the road, dinner starts and all is normal,
At home, the only way to describe it is disbelief, shock, anger and lots of tears, extended family are here, having driven miles to be here, people are so kind already.
The children, 14,12,10 are taken by there aunt for a few days away with their cousins we haven’t said anything yet, how do you do it, we need time to come up with a plan, I go to work, what else do I do ?? I leave Kells and I’m off, head buried in the sand, laughing, joking and generally having a good day at work, apart from the pains in my chest, oh and I’ve got cancer.
I call my brother in law, mainly to warn him what I’m going to tell my sister, they both seem to take it well, I’m sure they don’t but it makes me feel better,
I have a daughter from a previous relationship, she’s 23, I call and arrange to meet her the following day, 4 hrs in the car give a child this kind of news is not right, she’s stoic, we laugh, cry and hug, all will be fine I promise,
We head home, Kells drives both ways, 8 hrs in the car, my sister arrives, collect her from the train, more tears, but also some practicality, she’s been reading up, wants to know all she can, her Kells make lists, questions for dr, questions for nurses, we are meeting specialist nurse, mainly to ask the questions we couldn’t, she’s amazing, doesn’t miss a beat,
I have another scan, mri this time, strange machine, loud, claustrophobic and hot, hottest day of the year so far, it takes ages, results next week,
The kids are home, we tell them the news, they take it in I’m sure, youngest seems to understand but heads off to play fortnite, middle child is blasé about the whole thing, eldest is a little more sensitive, ask questions and then makes a joke about losing my hair, he thinks he’s funny, he is, we all laugh.
Specialist nurse calls, meeting with oncologist booked, all results are in.
We drive to the hospital, talking relentlessly, about nothing really, we check in, it’s so busy, it’s so indiscriminate, the waiting is full, all creeds, colours, lots of positivity.
Doctor is great, kind, caring and knowledgeable, she breaks the news with such skill, Kells cries, Kells makes notes, we go through the options, is not going away, it’s inoperable but it can be kept at bay, medicine chosen, immuno therapy, though you’d never have it if you read the side effects, i have no real choice but to have it, chemo or radio therapy won’t work as well, we fill in the forms, make more appointments and go home,
I have stage 4 lung cancer, it’s gone in to my back, I asked the dr if it was serious, I already knew the answer, she just nodded, Kells cried !!
Kells has and will be amazing, she is the love of my life, we didn’t know it but we do now, she will need her friends and her strong girl pants, we have some amazing friends and a very supportive and strong family, who will do whatever it takes, together we will beat this but I really don’t want to die trying !!
