Feet are bloody sore now along with my back. But hey! look on the bright side. Oops, forgot to mention my derriere. That still has its tuppence worth. The pain in my gob has gone and I am back on my weight reducing regime and have already lost two pounds! I have always been overweight – morbid obesity they call it. Well there is nothing morbid about this cookie I can tell you. I was twenty seven stones at my heaviest but am now just over twenty. I can lose weight but to date have always put it back on with a vengeance.
Once Doctor Lowe congratulated me on losing a couple of stones and when I said “Sorry, that’s careless of me, I’ll do my best to put it back on” he shouted at me to get out! And go into his examination room and think about what I had just said. I don’t think educated men should swear like that!
Sitting on the couch a man walks in and starts to remove his clothes not having seen me. I cough and he looks round and goes to see doctor Lowe who comes in.
“Oh I forgot all about you!” he says “ Go and wait in the waiting room” and off I trot suitably chastised. After a considerable wait I was called back in for a very serious chat about my excessive weight. Happy days. They don’t make doctors like that anymore.
Then there’s my Paul O’Grady. Paul O’Grady is a cross trainer (cross dresser? Get it? – Maybe not)
Anyway my Paul O’Grady is one of those medieval torture machines called a cross trainer that everybody buys in January and sells in February where you stride on pedals and thrust your arms backwards and forwards doing severe exercises. It can be programmed to do all sorts and the idea was to help me lose weight and improve my health. It takes SEVENTEEN minutes to do a fitness test on it where it measures your body fat and pulse recovery and sends all of this on to a memory stick that you can stick in your computer. At my peak I got up to twelve minutes – not even enough for a bleeding fitness test. At £265 Irene calls it the most expensive coat hanger in the world. She does have a point. But once my back is a little more supple I will be back on him strutting my stuff. It really did make a significanct difference to my breathing. I could actually manage it! That’s if I can get enough soothing cream between my cheeks to stop the friction!
I am now a master at the midstream urine collection – in fact I now feel qualified to do a start stream, end stream, side stream, up stream, down stream collection. You name it and I will do it!
Thursday and I get ready for the radio shot. Roland has been an absolute bastard all night long. I have been playing Russian Roulette with him, is it a fart or is it the real thing? Fortunately I win every time but spend most of the night going up and down to get my cheeks on the porcelain. The pain is terrible but I found that if I put the soothing cream on before having a crap (and I use the term loosely – more like a wet fart) then it stops some of the pain when a slider departs.
